


Your Voice

by isobel__smy



Series: Voices [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Background Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood, Cutting, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Good Samaritans, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, Self Harm, helpful Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2018-12-22 13:22:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 34,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11968275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isobel__smy/pseuds/isobel__smy
Summary: "He opened his eyes, and stared at the ceiling. Like the day before, and the day before that, and probably tomorrow, the slightly peeling plaster still hung there, desperately hanging onto the little part of it keeping it attached to the ceiling. It hung there, swaying in the harsh breeze from the open window, staring back at him."-Camille had saved his life, Magnus knew that. Magnus also knew he owed Camille everything- which was why he'd never complain. Not when Camille came home late, not when Camille forced him to make his cat live in a cattery, not when Camille told him he should probably go on a diet. After all, she was just looking after him.Until something happened- something terrible happened. Something that changed everything, leaving Magnus feeling trapped in a life he never realised he'd been forced into. And Alexander, a complete stranger, might just be the one to save him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Guys!
> 
> This is my first long fanfic that I've written- so be kind! :) This first chapter is in a completely different format to all the other chapters- the others are all written normally- but I wanted to start off the story this way.
> 
> I hope you all really like it!
> 
> I'll be uploading a chapter every Friday.
> 
> Until then, comments and kudos are always loved! Also feel free to message me on tumblr - @therapyfornerds - to talk about this fic, or the Shadowhunters universe in general.

“Hello. My name is Alec Lightwood and I’m from the good Samaritans. I’m here to talk about whatever you want for as long as you want. Or not talk at all.”

“My name is Magnus.”

“Hi Magnus, it’s nice to talk with you.”

“Am I… Am I allowed to not tell you why I called?”

“Absolutely. This conversation can be whatever you need it to be. If you want, we can talk about the weather, or your favourite tv show.”

“How about you just… talk. About anything. About your day. I think I need to hear… hear a voice… I don’t know- is that- oh, that’s totally not right, that’s unprofessional-”

“Magnus, breath for me. Breaathh in, breeeaath out. Just like that, okay? I want you to continue breathing to that rhythm whilst I talk.”

“Okay.”

“My name is Alec Lightwood, but my full name is Alexander. I have a sister and two brothers, though one is adopted. I work here most days, but I also work at the bar. My super rich parents are very disappointed in me because I chose not to follow the family business and become rich by exploiting people’s needs. But I’m okay with that, because I can help people. I also spend my entire life avoiding my sister’s cooking. She’s a disaster, and I don’t know how she’s managed to not accidentally poison her husband, Simon, yet. Simon is a nerd, which is kinda annoying, but he also gets us cheap tickets into concerts because he is in a band. Today I woke up in my bed at 6:30, as usual. The sounds of a reality tv show was coming from the living room, and that is where I found my sister and real brother- who are 20 and 8 respectively- eating ice cream for breakfast. My best friend, and adoptive brother, wandered inside at about 7 am, when I was about to leave, looking extremely happy with himself. That was a nice kick in the chest, because I kinda have a crush on him.”

“You have a crush on your brother?”

“Uh- no. Adoptive brother. We’re not technically related. Anyway, it kinda sucks, but I’m dealing with it. But then I left and came here. I did have a break in the middle, so I worked for a couple of hours at the bar.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It’s not too bad.”

“Alexander?”

“Yeah, Magnus?”

“I think… I think I’m going to hang up now.”

“Are you safe?”

“Yes. And I… I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“Do what, Magnus?”

“Kill myself.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 7 days before the phone call, Magnus wakes up. And he tries to live.

-  
7 days before  
-

He opened his eyes, and stared at the ceiling. Like the day before, and the day before that, and probably tomorrow, the slightly peeling plaster still hung there, desperately hanging onto the little part of it keeping it attached to the ceiling. It hung there, swaying in the harsh breeze from the open window, staring back at him.

From the kitchen, Magnus could hear someone pottering around, making breakfast. From the empty space next to him, Magnus knew that was Camille, and not some weird burglar. He wondered absentmindedly whether he was upset about that, and then he sighed.

Time to get out of bed.

He looked around the room, trying to search for a way to convince himself to get up. He should, he knew that; it was 7 am. Camille was up already, which meant he had- at the most- twenty minutes to get up. Get up, get changed, look presentable. There was no way he could look sloppy.

Maybe two more minutes? He’d wait for the numbers on his phone to get to 06:58, and then he’d get up. He’d wear the jeans from yesterday, and the green top Camille had bought him. No makeup- she didn’t like the makeup- and just a little product in his hair. It would take five minutes.

06:57

06:58

06:59- he should get up. He really needed to get up. So he pushed the covers off him, and lay in the cold room. The window was open- just how Magnus hated it- and his silly little pyjamas Camille insisted he wore didn’t help at all. But that was all good, because it would help him get up.

He stood up. And he looked around. The room was immaculate- of course. It had to be spotless and clean. No mess, ever. Camille had to have everything perfect, like it was a dolls house. Like this life was something she could play with and control. Like Magnus was something she could control.

Which she could, he thought bitterly, moving slowly to open the chest of drawers and tuck half heartedly at the clothes he’d decided to wear. His movement was disjointed, he felt out of sync with the entire world. Sometimes he’d move too fast, and his head would spin- but then he’d be trying to move through butter, limbs pathetically moving so slow he wanted to scream. Her, it was her, it was all her.

(It must have been him too.)  
“Magnus, darling.” Her voice was sugar, dripping in honey with a small drop of chocolate. It rang out with the shrill persistence of bells rung too early in the morning. “Oh, I do prefer it when you’re dressed. It’s seven o’clock, you know I hate lazy people.”

He didn’t want to turn round and face her, but he did anyway. Camille’s face was white, lips thinly pressed into a small smile. “But you’re up, so I suppose that will have to do…” Her smile widened, and she had transformed into the beautiful girl he loved. “Goodmorning, my love.” She glided forward, and pressed those pink lips to his cheek.

“Now, get changed. I made breakfast, but I really do have to leave. Make sure you’re back home by the time I am, and look presentable.” She grimaced at him, and then turned to leave.

“Love you, have a good day.” Magnus’ voice was too high, and the volumes were muddled. Camille half turned and smiled. 

“Of course.”

And then she left.

Magnus stood there. Silence billowed around him, whispering taunts in his ear. All he could concentrate on was the absence of “love you too,” and her disappointment in him. He’d failed this morning. She was disappointed in him. 

Magnus considered going back to bed, but he knew that he’d never get out again. And he hated to make Camille angry. So he got dressed. 

The apartment was heavy around him, the noticeable lack of anything to do with him glaring at him. Camille loved him- Magnus knew that- she was stressed. Stressed, tired, and disappointed. She loved him so much she’d saved his life, and now he was wasting it being lazy. When he cooked, it wasn’t quite right, and he was terrible in bed. She was just disappointed.

He could never do anything right.

Magnus threw on his clothes, and spend a couple of minutes trying to look presentable. It was not too hard; his clothes took thirty seconds, and then he just patted down his hair and ran some gel through it.

(He could remember a time when he loved getting ready in the morning. He’d put on his i pod and blast his favourite music as he danced around, pausing the process of getting changed to play the air guitar. Often he would spend thirty minutes just doing his eye makeup: just to make sure it was perfect. Camille would come in and he’d spin her around as she laughed. But now his appearance was a constant reminder of how he’d never look good enough for her.)

A bitter laugh coiled out of his lips and wrapped around his heart, squeezing. A few tears pricked mercilessly at the corners of his eyes and burnt as they created a trail of hatred and defeat down his cheeks. Nails cut into his palm, and he clenched his fists tighter.   
He was still standing in the middle of the room.

Magnus picked up his clothes, and went over to the chest of drawers. Slowly, he picked up the top and folded it, meticulously smoothing down each side, pulling at each corner. When it was done, he slowly placed it in the top drawer, patting it down until it was comfortably placed with the other tops.

He repeated the process with the shorts, humming in annoyance when they wouldn’t fold correctly. There was one little crease that didn’t let it fall into the perfect square, and no matter how he pressed down at it, the little crease wouldn’t disappear. It watched him, mocking his feeble attempts to get it to fall flat.

He sighed, and threw it into the draw, slamming it shut. The sound that echoed around the empty room wasn’t the sweet relief from the silence he’d imagined it would be. Instead, it reminded him that the silence was there.

Slowly, Magnus shuffled into the kitchen. The white surfaces were blinding, and he had to blink a couple of times before the throbbing headache would disappear. But then, after a few tries, it did, and he sighed in relief, going over to the plate of pancakes. She’d drawn little hearts in cream over the two pancakes, and a feeling of warmth spread over him. Maybe she did love him, after all?

He grabbed the plate and fork and sat at the table, facing the chair opposite him. Hanging off it was her handbag. Not the one he’d bought her; she kept that one in the back of the wardrobe where nobody would ever see it. Instead, it was the one she’d bought herself. She must have taken the handbag her ex gave her.

Even though it made Magnus feel all funny inside, knowing that Camille happily used that handbag, instead of the many others she had, he never complained. Once, a few months ago, he’d mentioned it but Camille had laughed at him. Magnus much prefered it when Camille didn’t laugh at him, so he never mentioned it again. 

His fingers absentmindedly played at the bottom on his t shirt and he looked at the chair. Brown wood, perfectly untouched. When was the last time she’d been home for dinner?

When was the last time she’d been home before Magnus fell asleep, exhausted?

He stood up, scraping the chair back loudly. Freezing, he waited for the ear piercing noise to settle down, and then he picked up the plate. Then he put it down again. And then he picked it up. He should clean it up. He really needed to clean it up right now- otherwise he’d forget and when Camille came home… She’d be furious. She’d be disappointed. She’d have to punish him. It would be his fault; it was always his fault, and she hated to have to punish him, but she’d do it. And Magnus couldn’t deal with that.

The water ran freezing cold, and then it ran burning hot. Magnus let the water scorch his hand for a second, before pulling it out of the way and grabbing the plate and fork. His skin was pink and sore as he quickly washed the plate and fork, still feeling the ugly weight of the pancake in his stomach. It was stodgy, and Magnus felt ill and disgusting. He knew he was getting fat, he knew he should be watching his weight. When Camille dressed up in those tiny dresses to go out with her friends, she looked stunning. Magnus was left at home- as usual- in his stupid clothes and a squidgy stomach.

He went to sit in the living room, and grabbed his laptop. It was a saturday, so he had to review a bunch of emails for his clothing company. People wouldn’t respond until Monday, but at least then it was done. Magnus could concentrate on how empty his life was, and how he was wasting it. Whilst he was checking his email, he could also reply to the message Tessa had sent him a couple of days ago.

He hadn’t been able to reply at the time: too busy with preparing a date night with Camille, and then too busy with drinking the entire bottle of wine he’d bought when she’d forgotten to turn up. She hadn’t been pleased when Magnus had been too drunk to function when she did come home, or that she had to wait until the next day for Magnus to clear away the blankets and fancy food. 

He sighed again, biting his lip and opening up his laptop, relishing the warmth it brought. The apartment was too cold- as usual. Camille liked it cold, and Magnus usually let Camille make all the decisions. It was only fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and let me know what you think of this fanfiction so far!
> 
> Hope you like it :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 days before the phone call, Magnus is lying in bed when Camille finally comes home.

4 days before

He heard the door slam loudly, and he looked up from the book in his hands. The distant sound of high heels against the hard floor was enough to tell him this was Camille, so he placed the book on the bedside table. Quietly, he made sure to place it so it looked neat.

And then he sat back in the bed, uncomfortably adjusting himself to look natural. The covers moved noisily, and he froze. She was close now, but she didn’t sound sober. Magnus winced.

Then there she was, leaning against the doorframe like a goddess. The light from the house filtered into the room, illuminating her in a perfect halo, and Magnus felt a warmth bubble up to his stomach. This was Camille, in a small black dress and perfect heels. She was so beautiful.

Magnus couldn’t help himself, he smiled. “You look beautiful,” he whispered, looking at her carefully, drinking in all the details he could. 

“I know, but thank you darling.” Her voice was as sugary as usual, and Magnus slowly let his eyes drift up to her lips. She sounded happy, maybe she would kiss him tonight… It had been months. Camille didn’t like to kiss him too much: she said it would take away the magical feel. But he really ached to feel her cool lips against his, to hear her sigh his name lovingly. Maybe tell him that she loved him.

Then he stopped thinking.

Her lips.

Or, more accurately, her lipstick. It was ruined in a way that Magnus knew very well. It was blood red, but the lipstick remaining on her lips was now pale pink, some having been smeared around her lips. He bet there was some lovesick fool stumbling home right now, lipstick identical to that on his lover’s lips smeared over their chin.

He felt his chest cave in, and there was a gentle throbbing starting to take over his body. It took all his willpower to prevent himself from letting that little whine of despair escape from between his lips, but he managed it. Biting at his cheek, Magnus forced himself to smile at her.

“I didn’t think you’d still be up.” Her voice sounded bitter, but still beautiful.

Magnus felt sick. It was settling in his stomach, ripping at his insides like Lucifer’s henchmen in one of the layers of hell. Perhaps he should have been grateful for Camille letting him feel something, anything, but he wanted to tear his own hair out. Being stuck in an emotionless, ill fitting life was better.

Unfortunately, Magnus knew that he shouldn’t be shocked. She’d done it before. So many times, Magnus figured that she’d had twice as much sex he had had in the years they’d been together. Still, it hurt; she was never usually so obvious. It was easy to deal with when she was actually secretive. This lack of embarrassment made him feel unwanted, made him feel useless. She was punishing him for disappointing her, being a bad lover.

“Good book,” Magnus smiled at her. “I’m sorry.” The words tasted sour, but he forced them out, willed them to sound pleasant and happily drowsy. Not bitter and fully awake. Not like he could start crying right at that moment. Whether he was falling apart or not, Magnus had to pretend like everything was okay. Camille shouldn’t have to deal with this, not with all her work and all she’d already done for him.

“It’s okay, darling, I forgive you. I’m just going to get changed and then come to bed.” She sounded pleasant again, warm honey voice dripping with happiness. Her smile looked genuine. “I’m so sorry that I look such a mess.”

“It’s totally okay,” Magnus rushed out, not wanting Camille to feel bad. “You still look beautiful.” Quickly, he got out of bed and picked up his phone, clutching it tightly in his sweaty palm as he looked at her. “I’m going to go to the toilet- see you in a bit.” He knew she prefered to get changed alone. Plus, he needed to be away from her for a little bit. Even if that was selfish and ungrateful of him.

Camille let out a small hum, and turned her back to him. Magnus stumbled to the bathroom, locking the door and sitting down on the cold tiles. He shivered, letting the coolness spread over his body and take over. It was numbing, and Magnus enjoyed it. 

He enjoyed the slightly pain the contrast bought as well.

Pulling up his phone, Magnus quickly unlocked it and found the hundreds of missed calls and texts from Tessa. Apparently Camille had been incredibly unsubtle this time, according to the multiple pictures sent to him of her snogging, and groping, Missie Williams. The girl who worked part time at the Hunters Moon.

Tessa had been enjoying a quiet drink with her friends at the Hunters Moon- which wasn’t unusual; the Hunters Moon was the usual place for everyone around here to go- when she saw Camille flirting drunkenly with this girl. This escalated, until Camille eventually walked away. Tessa was angry, Tessa wanted Magnus to confront Camille.

Magnus wasn’t sure; this was Camille. Camille who had saved him, given him a life. He owed everything to her, and he was so incredibly lucky that she had chosen to love him forever. Unlike those stupid drunken hook ups, they were forever. Magnus couldn’t bare to lose that. What was he without her?

Even though he owed her, though, Magnus still felt a stir of anger bubble in his stomach. Camille had done it in the Hunters Moon. That was his bar, where he used to work, where his friends were. He went there for peace and escape from everything bad in his life, and now it would be haunted by the image of that girl with her tongue down Camille’s throat. 

If it had been some random girl or boy in some random, unknown club, Magnus would have left it. But this, he decided as he stood up and opened the door, was a little too much.

“Missie Williams?” His voice trembled, and Camille looked up at him, confusion written all over her face. “Really?”

There was a split second, when every single emotion Magnus knew flickered over Camille’s face. It settled, however, on annoyance and slight humour. That cut at him, seeing that his hurt meant nothing to her. He knew it didn’t have to, that Camille didn’t have to have that responsibility, but it still cut at him like a knife. “Oh, darling, I see.” Her voice was still light and fluffy. “You’re talking about the girl I kissed.” She said it with no shame at all, and Magnus almost started weeping.

“Why do you care about her, darling?” She patted his side of the bed, smiling invitingly. “I kissed her, so what? She’s a girl, it doesn’t count because I’m straight.” Magnus was almost sick in his own mouth, and the fabrics of reality became slightly fuzzy. “Anyway, who cares about her? I love you, Magnus. You know that, don’t you?”

As much as Magnus wanted to scream in her face, or run away, or tell her- in a strong voice- that Magnus was not going to let her keep doing this, he just nodded. He felt like his mouth had been sewn shut and there was nothing he could ever do to speak again. Breathing shallowly, Magnus willed himself over to the bed, and somehow… he made it.

With wooden arms, Magnus wrapped himself in the stupid pink covers and lay down in the stupid soft bed next to the most beautiful woman in the entire world who he wasn’t good enough for. She was already asleep, so Magnus stared up at the ceiling. This was probably all his fault. After all, it usually was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> What a bitch, right? And she's only going to get worse! Interestingly enough, her line about the kiss not counting because she's straight is actually something someone I know said... 
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter as well :) Comments and kudos are always loved and appreciated.
> 
> A special thank you to my best friend for reading this fic to check for any errors and to suggest improvements. Love ya, boo.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 days before. Perhaps, just perhaps, today might be better? At least, that's what Magnus hopes.

2 days before

His feet were bare as he slowly walked down the corridor into their room. The first few tendrils of sun were whispering through the apartment, warming up the cold apartment. All was quiet, the muffled sounds of cars and people shouting barely reaching the inside of their home.

Magnus was carrying a tray, which held multiple plates. Pancakes, orange juice, and various fruits were arranged in such away that Magnus- for once- felt a little proud of himself. It was cute. It may not have been perfect, but it was close to what Camille deserved.

He smiled to himself. Maybe today would be a good day. Camille apparently didn’t have anything planned, and she was having a lazy morning, so this could be a day for them. When he walked in there and presented her with something for her, something that he’d done to make her life easier, she would be pleased with him. If he was lucky, she might kiss him. Oh, how he longed for that kind of affection. He hadn’t earned it in a long, long time.

And then he could clean up the kitchen as she got changed into lazy clothes. (Magnus was already changed; Camille liked him to look presentable. But Magnus had dressed as if they were having a lazier day. He’d applied slightly more make up than usual, because Camille only didn’t like him going out in it. It embarrassed her. He was also wearing a long white t shirt, and tights. He looked fashionable, but certainly not suitable for outside. It was risky, but Magnus was very hopeful.) When she finally emerged, looking beautiful and stunning as always, the apartment would look pristine. Just right for her, to minimise the work she had to do and stress she had to feel. After all, Camille always had to feel stressed about him.

It wasn’t fair, and Magnus wanted to make sure Camille knew he knew that.

The one thing that was slightly ruining his morning was the distinct lack of a cat walking around him and through his legs, trying to trip him up. Chairman Meow, a cat that Magnus had decided was his soulmate, no longer lived with them. It broke his heart, even though Magnus understood that it added stress to Camille’s life and she didn’t like him. That was why Chairman had had to go into the cattery. But it was lazy mornings like this that Magnus missed him the most.

Funny, how the absence of a trip hazard caused him to trip.

He hadn’t been paying attention to his surroundings; he was focussing on memories instead. Which was why he failed to notice Camille’s vase, which was perched on a new stand in the middle of the corridor. Which was why, in that one second, his entire life flashed before his eyes.

Which was why, with heart pumping loudly, Magnus watched himself stupidly collide with the stand and knock the vase. 

It flew into the air in slow motion- but Magnus too was stuck in some alternate reality where the air was so thick they had to wade through it. Then, it hovered threateningly in the air. It didn’t move, also stuck in this strange dimension. He couldn’t breath. Even his brain had frozen: all he could do was watch as the vase hung there.

And then someone pressed the fast forward button, and Magnus found himself aggressively thrown back into his body as the vase fell onto the hard floor and smashed.

Magnus himself was also wobbling, and by some miracle he managed to keep all the food on the tray. 

The only evidence of this accident was the broken vase.

And the sound of it smashing, still ringing in his ears.

Suddenly, Magnus was aware of everything. His hands were clammy and cold against the pink tray, and they were also trembling. If he concentrated hard enough, he could hear the quiet clicking of the spoons as the were shook from side to side against each other. Magnus’ breathing was too loud, and he would swear he was able to hear the blood rushing in and out of his lungs. Definitely he could hear his heart, which had suddenly drowned out every other noise. His skin was hot and prickly, and Magnus felt short of breath. Like if someone was to come over to him and press a single finger to him, Magnus would collapse. The heartbeat was inside of his head, echoing noisly in the empty space. He’d fucked up, he’d really gone and fucked-

The sound of feet walking slowly down the corridor suddenly became loud enough to cut through the sound of his heart. Magnus swallowed, and didn’t look up. Instead, he looked down at the floor, at the broken vase. He could make out little armoured men, all waving sticks. Perhaps, Magnus thought hysterically, they were waving to him as a warning: telling him to run.

Too late. She was here. Magnus could see her bare feet, smooth and with her toe nails painted a crimson red, standing by the broken vase. But she didn’t say anything. No one said anything for a long second.

“I’m so sorry.” Somehow, he didn’t know how, he got those words out. At first it was like walking underwater and trying to carry a boulder, but as soon as he had those words out others followed. “I didn’t mean to, it was a mistake. I was carrying you breakfast, but I was distracted for a moment. I am so sorry, I can make it up to you. I’ll pay you every last penny.” 

Magnus was breathless. He stood there, still holding onto that now pointless breakfast and looking like an idiot. Why did he have to wear make-up? That was stupid. He’d jinxed it. As usual. He’d overstepped, and now this vase was broken. 

“Just… shut up.” Her voice was deadly, and quiet. The words slithered around him slowly, wrapping around his torso and making it hard to breath, like a snake. They hung in the air. 

“I-”

“I said shut up, idiot.” This time, she snapped. Magnus winced, involuntarily taking a step away from the anger laced into her voice. He still looked down. “You broke my vase. After everything- EVERYTHING- I’ve done for you-” There was a small pause, and Magnus held his breath. “Look at me. Let me see your face.”

Magnus looked up, and winced. Camille was furious. Her eyes were narrowed and looked black, her hands were curled into fists at her sides, and her face was a stark white. “Thank you. As I was saying: I’ve sacrificed everything for you! You owe me your life, and this is how you repay me? By breaking my vase? It’s expensive! Let me tell you, it would take you years and years to pay me back considering your… paycheck. By that time you would have had to be nearly completely dependent on me, and I can’t be dealing with that as well as everything else! I have to spend 24/7 worrying that you are going to throw yourself of that stupid building again, or stabbing yourself with one of the kitchen knives. It takes so much out of me! How dare you.”

She was fuming, and Magnus could only stand there. He was still holding the tray, but now his arms were truly shaking. They felt too weak to hold up the tray, so he slowly bent down and placed it on the floor to the side. With effort, he stood back up again and placed himself in front of the firing squad.

His heart was still beating too fast, and there were tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. He’d fucked up big, and the guilt and horror had already started to eat away at him. This was why Camille had to cheat on him: he wasn’t good enough.

“I-” He squeaked at first, voice too weak to even form words. Then he took a deep breath, looked up at Camille, and said firmly, “I am so sorry.”

“I do believe that I said-” Camille hissed, carefully walking over to him and drawing out every syllable. “To shut up, Magnus. Can’t you even get that right?” Her breath was hot on his face.

Then he felt a sharp stinging sensation on his left cheek, and heard a slapping sound fly around the corridor. Wincing, Magnus felt the pain stab deep into his face and spread out, tingling all over. He looked up, surprised and hurt, and saw Camille looking at him in horror, hand still held up high. “Magnus-” Her voice was high and panicked. “I swear, I didn’t-”

He was already falling backwards, stumbling and feet barely supporting him as he made his way down the corridor. His vision was blurred, so the apartment looked odd, but even in this state Magnus knew the apartment inside and out. He’d been living in it for a while now. 

The door was locked, and Magnus fumbled for the keys. They were in the little bowl, but so were a couple other keys for other things, (Camille’s car, Camille’s work place,) so it took a few minutes to get the right key. It took a few more minutes to manage to get the key in the lock; alongside the tears streaming down his face and the pain overriding his thoughts, his hands were shaking in the shock of it all. As he finally managed to open the door he could already hear Camille coming after him with her apologies.

Magnus ran.

He left the door open behind him, thinking only on getting as far away from there. His eyes were burning as the tears poured down his face, and all he could concentrate on was the loud screaming of his heart. He’d fucked up, he’d fucked up, Camille hated him. Camille hated him, and she’d hit him.

Camille had hit him. After all their time together, she’d promised to never harm him. Yes, she’d punished him. But that usually consisted of him having to do all the cleaning up, or sleeping on the sofa, or sleeping with no covers on the floor. Whatever she chose, it was never this. Never hitting, she’d promised. She would never be like his Dad, because she loved him.

Magnus found himself slowing down slightly, feet noisily hitting the floor. He was now at the end of their corridor, and the stairwell was just a few steps in front of him. As his breathing slowed, he could hear old Mrs Doris talking to Jonas Baker while they walked up the stairs. (Mrs Doris lived above Camille and Magnus. Every week, Jonas Baker would take her on her shopping trip. It was incredibly sweet, even if it always made Magnus remember his old grandma. And thinking of his family never ended well.) He continued towards the stairs, and then started running down them. There still wasn’t enough space; enough room for Magnus to breath.

The walls of the stairwell were far too close for his liking, and when he squeezed past Mrs Doris he could feel her hot, burning, breath against his body and hear her breath. It was too much. Everything was just too much, and until he was outside this apartment building and breathing in fresh air that didn’t feel tainted he wouldn’t be able to concentrate. Even the sound of his feet against the floor had become muffled and distorted: it had taken on a strange quality, like it wasn’t like. Magnus was in a different life, different place to his body.

And then he was outside.

The cold air soothed him, bringing up goosebumps. He shivered; his outfit was not suitable for outside, which was another kick in the gut because it reminded him of the day he was supposed to have. But cold or not, he was outside, and he was away from Camille. 

With his feet firmly on the ground and cold air, Magnus could finally think. The screaming voices inside his head and his pounding heart had also quietened down. Everything was calm.

And then Camille called him.

He picked up the phone, because it was Camille, and answered the call. “Yes?”

“Oh, Magnus, honey, I’m so sorry.” She sounded upset, really upset, and despite everything Magnus still hated that sound. “I am so sorry for hitting you- I didn’t- I wasn’t thinking, Magnus. I was just… You had smashed that beautiful vase. I’d been hoping for a lazy day today and instead I had to worry about this vase and I just snapped. But I know that it no excuse, especially since you were just trying to bring me this amazing breakfast. That looks amazing, by the way. And then I hit you, and there is no excuse. Magnus, I can’t believe I did that to you. Are you in a safe place right now? Can you make sure you’re with someone, Tessa maybe? I’m so sorry, I love you so much.”

“I know, I forgive you.” Magnus whispered those words, warmth running through him. Camille still loved him, he still had Camille. “I’m coming home now.”

“Okay, I’ll be waiting. I’m sorry Magnus.” Camille sounded slightly lighter, but still upset. Magnus ended the call and put his phone in his pocket. After all, it was his fault.

Camille had been hoping for a lazy day, just like him. She’d wanted to spend the day with him, being lazy, and he’d messed it up for her. That little bout of anger had been his fault, and she still loved him. Magnus smiled happily. Perhaps everything would end up being okay in the end. Maybe she’d even kiss him, as a way to apologise…

“Go kill yourself, faggot.”

Magnus froze. He’d- he hadn’t even thought about it. In the heat of the moment, he’d forgotten what he was wearing. But yes… here he was. Outside, in skimpy clothes and a lot of make-up. Magnus like the make-up, it made him feel pretty. The guy standing on the edge of the road surrounded by a bunch of his friends obviously felt slightly different.

He wanted to say something, fight back. A few years Magnus would have said something Pointed out that actually, he was bisexual. Maybe have thrown in a couple of his insults. Words from this idiot’s mouth wouldn’t have been able to touch him.

Perhaps it was a testament to how weak he was, but those words cut him. They sliced into him and the pain was a shock that ran throughout his entire body. He couldn’t breath, he was stumbling. He’d disappointed Camille, and now he was hated even by strangers. 

Magnus stumbled, moving backwards as if he were in a dream.

Everything kept swirling around in his head, old memories next to new memories, next to strange voices he didn’t recognise.

And he kept on falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UH OH
> 
> Hey guys!
> 
> What do you guys think of this chapter? What do you think of Camille's apology? Would you forgive her? (Your answer should be no; abuse is never right.) And most importantly: what do you think will happen next chapter? Only two days before the phone call!
> 
> Comments are, as always, loved and appreciated, as are kudos :)
> 
> Chapter 5 will be posted next Friday, around 5pm GMT.
> 
> Until then, you can find me on tumblr at @therapyfornerds . Come and talk to me about the fanfiction, or the Shadowhunter universe.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One day before the phone call. And... it's... nothing

One Day Before

Magnus took a deep breath in.

 

He’d forgotten to breath out.

 

 

Breath in.

 

Breath out

 

 

 

 

Why was he breathing?  
Why did he bother?  
Did anyone care?

 

 

 

The darkness hugged him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then it stabbed him in the back.

 

 

 

 

Pain.

 

 

 

And yet… the emptiness that followed the pain was worse.

 

 

 

Breath in, breath out. Breath in-

Fuck it. Why bother?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> Hey guys! A short chapter this time- but I decided it was better to describe how his was feeling without the actual words; often I find if people do that it ruins the flow? Tell me what you think, though. I'm always open for advice on how to improve my writing. 
> 
> Since it is such a short chapter- I will be posting another one today! In about 2 hours- so keep your eyes open for that.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always loved :)
> 
> And come and chat to me on tumblr to discuss the story, or anything to do with the shadowhunter universe. I don't know about you, but this hiatus is killing me slowly...( @therapyfornerds )


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life had done it again. It had beaten him down every single time he'd even thought of standing up, and now Magnus was going to finally be free. Camille deserved better, anyway...
> 
> The Day Of The Phone Call

The blade was cold in his hand and Magnus focussed on it. It brought him solidarity, and he appreciated that. With all the darkness in his mind, tearing things apart, this little rock where everything was quiet was his heaven. His ticket to freedom and peace.

One little cut had brought him these then minutes. Barely any blood ran down his left hand, but it was enough. For now. Magnus could breath. In, out, in, and out. 

Around him, the apartment was quiet. He sat in the bathroom, but the entire place was empty. Camille was busy. He wasn’t sure about what; his ears had been ringing too loudly to hear what she had told him. Probably kissing someone else because Magnus wasn’t good enough. He had been distant. Magnus hoped she found someone else who took less effort and stressed her out less. Without Camille, the apartment was lifeless. 

The windows were all open, as usual, which made goosebumps appear along his arms and legs. They were bare: Magnus was only wearing old boxers. No point wasting any clothes by staining them with blood.

This time, Magnus wasn’t going to fail.

He was going to die. This life of his, this crappy life, had done it again. Magnus was over it, over having to suffer everyday. He didn’t want to live his life in fear. He didn’t want to have to hide who he was for fear of rejection. He didn't deserve this life, and he didn’t like this life.

But what about Chairman Meow?

Suddenly, Magnus was thinking about his cat. His beautiful cat lived in a cattery, with other cats that couldn’t stay at home. If Magnus died… he’d never see Chairman again. Chairman would never slowly walk up to him and meow loudly, and he would certainly not ever run over to Magnus excitedly and run around his feet. Magnus could never stroke his cat again…

Magnus didn’t want to die. But… Magnus did want to die.

His thoughts were swirling again, and he couldn’t think straight. The blade in his hand was too sharp, and his right hand was shaking uncontrollably. Panic ran through him, acid like and acting fast. What could he do?

With weak hands, Magnus grabbed his phone. It slid out his hands and back onto the hard floor, but he picked it up again. Heart pounding as he tried to ignore the screaming thoughts in his brain, Magnus dialed a specific number. Tessa had mentioned it in passing the other day. She’d made it seem casual, but now Magnus was thinking back to, mentioning the Good Samaritans was kind of strange if she didn’t have a motive.

“Hello. My name is Alec Lightwood and I’m from the good Samaritans.” The man’s voice was low, and smooth. It felt like honey pouring over him, covering the sound of his panicked breathing. The apartment felt less empty; this stranger’s voice was familiar in a way that nothing had felt in a while. “I’m here to talk about whatever you want, for as long as you want.” And then Magnus realised he should probably talk.

But when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. He was still clutching onto the blade, and panic was starting to rise in his stomach again. He had to speak- god. He was too weak to even ask for help- 

“Or not talk at all.” Calm, collecting, not annoyed. Understanding, almost. Magnus tried to breath normally.

“My name is Magnus.” The words came out relatively normally, and Magnus felt everything in his brain quieting down. He couldn’t make himself say anything else but… he managed that. It seemed like a small miracle.

“Hi Magnus, it’s nice to talk with you,” the stranger- Alec- replied. Strangely enough, he seemed to not be lying. There was genuine concern in his voice, which also seemed odd. Why would Alec care about him, a man he knew nothing about? Magnus didn’t deserve that. Especially since-

“Am I… Am I allowed to not tell you why I called?” His voice had gone weak again, and he involuntarily clenched his fist. Magnus winced as the blade cut through the skin of him palm. He wanted to drop the knife. Why couldn’t he just drop the knife?

“Absolutely. This conversation can be whatever you need it to be. If you want, we can talk about the weather, or your favourite tv show.” Magnus didn’t have a favourite tv show anymore. Once upon a time it was Project Runway. Not only did it help with his job, but it was also great to watch. But since he moved in with Camille he never watched anything like that. She didn’t approve. It wasn’t manly enough for her to have him watching it.

This wasn’t helping. His hand was still shaking, and if his mind wandered anymore off the path it would end up going places that were not allowed. Places that he wouldn’t be brought back from. Not by this stranger called Alec, or Tessa, or Camille. He’d be gone. So he needed to be distracted.

“How about you just… talk.” He said, which sounded to ambiguous. His voice was still shaking as he added, “About anything. About your day. I think I need to hear… hear a voice…” Then he faltered, because Alec wouldn’t want to tell Magnus all the personal details of his life. Magnus had never met this guy, and here he was, asking for a life story. “I don’t know- is that-” His voice was getting quieter, his face flushed a terrified red. He’d fucked up- again- “Oh- that’s totally not right, that’s unprofessional-

He started to panic, and Magnus felt his breathing pick up. Time to hang up; he’d messed up. Alec wouldn’t want to help him anymore.

“Magnus.” There is was, Alec’s rich honey voice. Still calm and comforting. “Breath for me.” It wasn’t a request, but it wasn’t an order either. There was no risk of being punished if he got it wrong, just a promise that if he followed the calm words… everything would be okay. Because the voice, Alec’s voice, wanted the best for him. “Breaathh in-” Alec spoke for four beats, and Magnus breathed in in time with his words, “Breeeaath out.” Magnus let the breath go. “Just like that okay?” Alec paused, but Magnus didn’t reply. He concentrated on breathing, on the whistle of the air as it entered and left his body. “I want you to continue breathing to that rhythm whilst I talk.” Did that mean Alec would distract him?

“Okay,” He whispered, after the silence had dragged on for a while.

“My name is Alec Lightwood, but my full name is Alexander. I have a sister and two brothers, though one is adopted. I work here most days, but I also work at the bar. My super rich parents are very disappointed in me because I chose not to follow the family business and become rich by exploiting people’s needs.” Magnus’ breath paused for a second at the mention of disappointed parents, but Alec must have noticed. His voice paused, and for a moment there was only the sound of him breathing, in and out, in and out.

“But I’m okay with that, because I can help people. I also spend my entire life avoiding my sister’s cooking. She’s a disaster, and I don’t know how she’s managed to not accidentally poison her husband, Simon, yet.” Alec half laughed, and Magnus almost smiled at the sound. It was carefree, a foreign thing in his world. “Simon is a nerd, which is kinda annoying, but he also gets us cheap tickets into concerts because he is in a band.” 

There was another pause, and Magnus found himself thinking of this close group of people. Alec, with his caring nature, would be the oldest sibling. His younger siblings probably looked up to him, even if Alec didn’t realise it. Simon, a nerdy guy who played in a band probably wrote cheesy songs for the sister… Isabelle… and would perform them to the group at the weekends. It sounded kind of perfect.

“Today I woke up in my bed at 6:30, as usual. The sounds of a reality tv show was coming from the living room, and that is where I found my sister and real brother- who are 20 and 8 respectively- eating ice cream for breakfast. My best friend, and adoptive brother, wandered inside at about 7 am, when I was about to leave, looking extremely happy with himself. That was a nice kick in the chest, because I kinda have a crush on him.” The ages were different from what he’d been imagining, but it didn’t take a while for him to change the images in his brain. They were probably all blonde. And then he noticed something.

“You have a crush on your brother?”

“Uh- no. Adoptive brother. We’re not technically related. Anyway, it kinda sucks, but I’m dealing with it. But then I left and came here. I did have a break in the middle, so I worked for a couple of hours at the bar.” Alec sounded like he was smiling, and Magnus could imagine the dimples.

“That sounds nice,” he whispered.

“It’s not too bad.”

And then Magnus noticed something else.

He’d dropped the blade. Not only were the voices in his head silent, but he’d dropped the blade. It lay there, on the floor next to him, and Magnus felt nothing as he looked at it. There was no desire to pick it up and use it on himself. He didn’t deserve to die, or be punished. Magnus… Magnus really wanted to live.

“Alexander?” His voice was quiet, shocked.

“Yes, Magnus?” He hadn’t reacted to Magnus slipping up and calling him Alexander instead of Alec.

“I think… I think I’m going to hang up now.” He was still staring at the knife, but there was also a small smile forming at his lips. He’d not killed himself. The blade lay there, and Magnus was alive. Yes, there was still a gaping hole in his chest, but Magnus was alive. He wanted to get better.

“Are you safe?” Alec’s smooth voice was concerned.

“Yes… And I… I don't want to do it anymore.” His words were so true, and yet so strange. He didn’t want to die anymore. 

“Do what, Magnus?”

“Kill myself.”

“That’s good news. Hey- don’t hesitate to ring again if you need to.” Alec still sounded like he was smiling, and now he also sounded proud. Magnus felt warmth stirring in his stomach, and he couldn’t wait to get off the phone and start living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Finally we're here! They've... well they haven't met, per say, but they have talked. For a little bit. I promise there are more conversations to come in the future :)
> 
> Tell me what you think about the chapter in the comments! What do you think will happen? What do you think of what's happened so far? Do you like Alec? 
> 
> Next chapter next Friday at 5pm! 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always loved <3
> 
> Come and talk to me on tumblr- @therapyfornerds . I'm not scary at all, promise.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last night, Magnus had fallen. Fallen deep into that dark hole, and the only thing that had brought him out was the stranger whose name was Alexander. So maybe today could be different; Magnus didn't want to die, he wanted to live. He would make sure Alexander's time last night was not wasted and try his very best to have a better day.
> 
> ...If he could.

Why had nothing changed?

Magnus stared up at the ceiling. The slightly peeling piece of plaster hung there, staring at him in defiance. A very obvious example of how his life was exactly the same. How, despite everything, despite the fact yesterday he’d nearly died, nothing had changed. 

He was still living in the same apartment, in the same clothes, with the same job. The woman next to him was still Camille, and knew nothing about it. (He didn’t want to stress her out. She already felt responsible for him from last time so… he had to keep quiet.) Tessa was still incredibly busy with work, and his other friends… Were still absent.

Magnus frowned up at the piece of plaster. 

Fingertips picking at his slightly fraying shorts, Magnus looked around the room. Camille was next to him, sleeping. It was nice, to wake up before her. Usually she was already awake, in her work clothes and lipstick perfectly drawn over her plump lips. Her smile was tired and stressed, and her eyes were blank. In sleep… it was a whole other story. All the crinkles in her face were smoothed out, like finally she was free from all the stresses that plagued her. 

It made Magnus feel guilty; it was his fault. There was so much more he could be doing to help her, but he never did it. Camille would always come home and point out all the ways he’d made her day worse. Obviously he never realised what he’d done- or hadn’t done- was that important, but he should. As Camille said: Camille always knew what to do, so Magnus should know too.

Camille sighed in her sleep, and Magnus froze. If he woke her… There would be hell to pay. And Magnus couldn’t do that, couldn’t be punished anymore. He already felt like everything had been pushed off centre, tilted almost to the point of no return. She was too quiet around him, too strange. She blamed it on nerves, said she was worried something else would happen if Magnus messed up again and Magnus didn’t blame her. After all, Magnus always managed to fuck up.

Still, today was going to be a better day.

Maybe?

Sighing silently, Magnus slipped out of bed. Normally he’d want to stay there as long as possible, but now… There was something wrong with his stomach and his heart. He needed to fix it somehow. Plus, he wanted to look presentable for Camille. After everything, she at least deserved that. He wouldn’t make her breakfast in bed, but he would look presentable. Maybe that would help everything go back to normal.

Magnus patted down his side of the bed, smoothed down the silky covers. The fewer crinkles the better, so it was only after a few tries that he was happy with how his side of the bed looked: unslept in, and perfect. A dolls house bed, with a porcelain doll sleeping perfectly. He wanted to reach over, ruining the perfect covers, and place a soft kiss to Camille’s forehead, wake her up with a smile and a whispered ‘I love you’. He wanted Camille to sleepily blink up at him, smile softly and return the whisper in a soft voice Magnus hadn’t heard in years.

Instead, Magnus walked away from the bed and towards his clothes on the chair. Since Camille was sleeping, he wouldn’t risk opening his drawers, but there were a couple of outfits on this chair that he could mix up to create a new outfit. He was surprised Camille hadn’t thrown these clothes in the wash or back in his drawers, like she usually did, but she was probably too worried about her work to do that.

He picked up the top that looked the nicest, slowly. He still didn’t feel quite right, and as he also picked up his blue trousers… his stomach did an uncomfortable flop. It felt like Magnus was standing at the edge of a precipice, looking down. In the past few days his world had been flipped upside down, and although nothing had changed… he’d suddenly lost the floor beneath his feet and he was dangerously wobbling at the edge. One wrong move and he’d fall. 

He’d probably never stop falling.

The water against his face was cold as he stared into the bathroom mirror. He could be slightly louder now, since he had shut the door, and it also meant he could turn on the light and properly look at himself.

Large bags still hung unattractively under his eyes, and his skin was paler that it had been years ago. Cheekbones still stuck out, and they didn’t look too bad, but his lips were partially chipped. (Probably why Camille didn’t kiss him often. Even if she said it was too keep their kisses special… she was likely just being kind.) As usual, his hair was a mess. It stuck up in all directions.

Nothing on his face showed any evidence from last night. The tears had burnt his face, but here his face was. Unblemished, still smooth. His eyes still looked dulled. All that was left was the small scar in the middle of his left arm: pink, soft, new. Magnus had even deleted the record on his phone of the call. Camille could open up his phone and see it, see how he’d betrayed her and gone somewhere else.

Gone to the stranger called Alexander Lightwood who had cared about Magnus’ safety.

Quickly, Magnus tried to think about something else. A small smile had started to play on his lips, and if that happened around Camille she would know something was up; Magnus didn’t just smile normally. But the memory of Alec’s caring voice… Alec who would tell him anything just so Magnus would breath properly. Alec, who’d helped him get out of that dark hole. Just by letting him know someone kind of cared was enough.

Today would be different.

He put on his clothes, watching himself critically. His appearance would be okay, since he could rub some cream into his skin, apply some vaseline, and run some gel through his hair. Camille probably wouldn’t be too disappointed today, which was a relief. He had to try and fix this.

If he tidied the apartment today, while she was gone, Magnus decided whilst rubbing his face cream in, that would help. If he did that everyday, it would be even better. It would be a really great way to make all of this up to Camille. Especially if he also asked her whether she wanted to go and hang out with her friends. She’d go out anyway, but at least this way she wouldn't feel bad for leaving Magnus on his own. (That always put a downer on the whole night, according to what she said.)

Magnus emerged from the bathroom feeling slightly better. He had a short and long term plan, and feeling slightly less directionless always helped him. Today was not a day for sitting on the sofa and staring at the wall, knowing there was something he needed to be doing. There was always a mental block sitting heavily on his chest, so that no matter how much guilt flooded through him… he stayed there. Looking at the useless walls.

Not today.

Camille was sat up in bed, and Magnus smiled at her. “Good morning.”

“Magnus.” Her voice wasn’t exactly happy, but it wasn’t anything bad either. He decided that was probably a good thing. “I see you’re already dressed and ready, good.” She climbed out of bed, long legs and grace. Even in her pyjamas she looked stunning. 

“Thank you.”

“I don’t have time for breakfast today, darling. I’m just going to throw on some clothes and freshen up.” She smiled at him, lips still half stained red from last night. Magnus wondered if she’d kiss him this morning.

“I’ll go into the livingroom, start working.” Magnus didn’t wait for a reply; he knew he wouldn’t get one. Camille didn’t want to have to dictate every part of his life. So he made his way out of the room and down the dreaded corridor. (Everytime he had to walk past the spot… he flinched.)

His laptop, as usual, was a welcome warmth as he turned it on, sitting cross legged on Camille’s sofa. Even with his proper clothes on, the icy wind running through the apartment was biting. Magnus shivered.

There were about a hundred emails in his inbox. Magnus grinned; he may have lost most of his friends, and Camille may sometimes be absent, but the world could come down around him and his job would still be there. Fashion was his thing, it ran in his blood. Whether or not Magnus could dress in the way he wanted, he could still get other people to, or inspire other people to.

He had lost a lot. The thought shot into him, too fast for him to stop it. Cold tendrils wrapped around him, but it wasn’t the open windows. They were inside of him, squeezing his stomach as looked at his emails and tried to ignore the fact that once upon a time, his phone would be blowing up with text messages and notifications from that instagram group chat. Ragnor and Raphael, Tessa laughing at them. Catarina desperately trying to get them all to behave. Magnus would add his input too.

But that had all disappeared.

“I’m going now, honey.” Camille’s voice broke through the deafening silence of his thoughts- as it always did. At least she was still here, with her smile.

“You look beautiful,” Magnus said without thinking, because she did. Her dress was on the right side of tight: tight without being slutty. Her high heels meant she shone confidence, and her makeup was faultless. Always perfect. No wonder Magnus was never quite good enough for her.

“How sweet of you to say so, thank you.” Camille turned to leave.

“I love you, have a good day-” Magnus called.

“Thank you-” Was the reply, and then Magnus was alone. Alone in the apartment and surrounded by the obvious absence of a proper reply.

There was no ‘love you.’

Why? He’d been good this morning: his appearance was good, he hadn’t crowded her… Why hadn’t she said it back?

How had he disappointed her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! :)
> 
> How did you like this chapter? I know there wasn't actually any contact between Alec and Magnus but... maybe in the future? Perhaps even in the near future...
> 
> Kudos and comments are always loved!
> 
> Tell me what you think will happen next chapter, or what you would like to happen by the end of the story. What did you think of Camille this time? (Still a bitch, am I right?)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading this next chapter. Next one is being uploaded next Friday at 5pm- until then, come and talk to me on tumblr :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wasn't home yet.
> 
> Oh, he'd tried. And, actually, he'd succeeded. His day was actually good. (Some of it, anyway.) And now here he was, sitting down. Alone.
> 
> Always alone, because he wasn't good enough.

It was midnight, and Camille wasn’t back yet. She hadn’t even popped in at four to say a quick hello before going out again. That was when Magnus was planning to suggest she went back out again with her girl friends. But no, that hadn’t happened. Instead, it was midnight, and Magnus hadn’t talked to anyone in over twelve hours.

 

He wasn’t stupid. No matter how many times Raphael spat those words in his face, or Catarina looked at him with sad eyes that said the same thing… he wasn’t dumb, and he wasn’t blind. It was midnight, Camille wasn’t home, and there were parties going on all over the city.

 

Magnus sighed, and looked at the wall in front of him. He was sat on the sofa, still in his clothes from the day. Like he had been since six, when it became clear Camille had- once again- abandoned him for the night. Before that, he’d actually had a pretty good day: all his emails had taken a good three hours to sort through.

 

And it had been a good three hours. Those emails threw him back into a familiar chaotic world, where he was in charge. Michael was emailing about the fashion show in two weeks, Charlie was in a panic because the fabric from Tunisia was ‘totally not going to get here on time omg,’ and Paula needed advice on a certain design. Other than that, there were tons of emails from big people needing documents signed, and requests for more designs. This was his world, and he could forget about everything else.

 

Then he cleaned and tidied the entire apartment. That took another three hours, but they weren’t good. He was sweating and cursing by the end of it; having  to reach into small corners and under cupboards was not an easy job. But he kept reminding himself that Camille did this all the time, and it was worth it. Worth it to make her love him again.

 

Once again, he ignored the little voice in his head. It’d started this morning, after Camille had left without a proper reply, and it hadn’t gone away. Magnus wished it would go away.

 

After that he’d doodled some more designs. They weren’t finished, but Magnus had thought of a few that looked like they could really turn into something. He’d quickly hidden them away, scared that Camille would mock them. (He wondered now why he’d bothered; she wasn’t coming home any time soon.)

 

Now he was sitting, pointedly ignoring the loud ticking of the clock as it screamed out the obvious: he was alone, he was alone, he was so goddamn alone. If his cat had been here- well if Chairman Meow was here it would be okay. His cat would look grumpy, but the Chairman would still curl up next to him and purr at Magnus when he stroked his soft fur. And, perhaps, if Tessa was here. And his friends- oh god, his friends. Who’d all gone, so Magnus was left here… alone.

 

Today was supposed to be different, goddamn it. He had felt so good about it, so confident. This were the same, but things were also different.

 

Just as Magnus put his head in his hands, his phone started to ring. Jumping as the noise broke the seemly constant quiet of the apartment, he picked up his phone and answered it. “Hello?”

 

“As I’m saying this, your so called girlfriend is sticking her throat down guy number one’s throat, while guy number two is grinding up against her ass,” the cool voice that belonged to Tessa said, not too kindly. “Please tell me this is the time that’s going to matter and when she finally comes home you’re going to break up with her.”

 

He could hear the sound of music in the background, and could tell that Tessa was shouting into the speaker. But all of that sort of faded into nothing as his heart gave one feeble thump of protest. But… he’d been so good. He understood that when Camille had been disappointed in him, she had to go out and find someone to treat her right. But Magnus had been so good. He’d been trying so hard.

 

“Look, Magnus, honey, what are you going to do? Because surely you can’t ignore this. Not again.”

 

“Yes I can,” he whispered, head pounding like he too was at the club. He needed a drink. He… he needed to get up and do something. One thing that certainly needed to happen was that he needed to shut those stupid voices in his head up. 

 

There was a bit of random sounds coming from Tessa’s end of the line, and then a male voice came through into his ear. Magnus nearly dropped the phone, frozen as he was halfway off the sofa. “Idiot, she doesn’t love you. Tell her to fuck off and stop manipulating you.” This voice was extremely harsh, and Magnus recognised it immediately.

 

“She does love me,” he replied bitterly, the words tasting sour as he spit them out. Raphael’s short laugh was enough as a reply, and Magnus flinched. This was why, this was why he had to be alone. Magnus and Camille were eternal, but just as Camille warned him… others doubted their love. “You just don’t understand.”

 

“Of course I don’t,” Raphael responded, voice also bitter. “I actually have a brain.” Magnus flinched again, and he tried to ignore the idea in his head that the reason he was so angry at Raphael was because he knew it was true. Because it wasn’t true. Camille loved him. Often she didn’t act like it, and often she didn’t tell him when he told her but she was always stressed. She was always sorry, Magnus always forgave her.

 

“Ignore him, Magnus.” Tessa was back on the phone. “He’s being mean, and an idiot.” Magnus let out a short breath. He’d overlooked Tessa, who understood completely. “But you’d got to dump this bitch, man. She cheats on you like it’s the only way to save the world. She has a different person each night, and she’d not even sorry about it all.”

 

“She is always sorry,” Magnus replied angrily.”She apologises.”

 

(Expect from when it was with a girl. And only if Magnus mentioned it. More often than not… it was all left as a secret. Something that was never ever spoken about.)

 

“I’m hanging up.” It was all too confusing, they were making him doubt what he and Camille had. If he didn’t have Camille… would his life have meaning? Maybe, he had his job. But if the last three years of his life had been a lie… Why had he done it all? Why had he lost everything for a lie?

 

Furiously, Magnus hung up and threw the phone across the room. It fell with a definite bang that echoed around the empty room. He closed his eyes in the now welcome silence, and tried to breath slowly. His chest was moving up and down to fast, his ears were ringing. Everything was falling down around him.

  
  
  


About an hour later, Camille stumbled into the apartment. Magnus was sat on the back of the sofa, phone back in his pocket with a crack running down the front, staring at the front door as it loudly banged open and his lover walked in, half tripping over her own heels. Her face was beautiful, but her lipstick was everywhere, and her dress was partially torn. She’d not bothered to clear away any evidence.

 

“What the hell are you doing still up?” Her voice was bitter and slurred: drunk. Camille stood a little way in, tall and opposing and angry. “It’s late. Why aren’t you asleep?”

 

“I was worried.” Not completely true, but it was true enough that it wasn’t a lie. Magnus had been worried, just not for her safety. Worried, once again, whether Camille would find someone better than him. Worried that tonight was the night she wasn’t coming home.

 

“God, you’re like a kicked puppy,” she sneered, taking a few steps towards the corridor and their room. “Always sitting at the door, waiting for me to come home because without me your life is shit.” Magnus flinched, her words too harsh to properly process. Was she really saying this? All this was so different to usual… “There was a reason I got rid of your stupid fat cat, Magnus! I DON’T WANT A PET.”

 

Magnus let out a quiet whine, flinching backwards. His knees nearly collapsed as he realised that he must have done something truly awful to deserve this. But what? What had he done? Why did Camille suddenly hate him?

 

“Camille?” He squeaked, standing up and taking a step towards her. “I don’t understand. What did I do, I’m sorry.” 

 

Heart pounding, he watched her face transform into one of annoyance. Somehow, it was worse that anger. Annoyance was colder, longer, more permanent. Annoyance grew and grew in the shadows until one day, when it was so big it just overwhelmed the person. It was forever, and Camille was looking at him with eyes that promised him a forever of that hell.

 

“Shut up, you useless piece of shit,” she growled. “Stay out here tonight, I can’t bare to see that stupid little face and those wide sad eyes staring at me all night. Don’t even come in for your pyjamas. Sleep in you clothes.”

 

Magnus looked down, and blinked back tears. Oh- god.

 

Camille walked away, hips swaying in the dress he’d admired. Her hair was still perfect, even after all she’d done, and she still looked more powerful that Magnus had ever been. She was certainly more powerful than Magnus was now, who felt like he was so low he would shrink into a tiny ball and just… be swept under the rug.

 

Tears started to drip down his face as he brought out his phone and dialed a number he’d hoped never to have to use again.

 

“Hello. My name is Alec Lightwood and I’m from-” Came the familiar voice of Alexander Lightwood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... And that's it until next week folks!
> 
> Hey guys! :)
> 
> Sorry, I just had to leave it like that! But at least you know exactly how chapter 9 will start... With a certain phone call... With a certain person... (No spoilers, of course, but... it's pretty cute.)
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always loved!
> 
> Tell me what you think about this chapter! Camille just becomes more and more of a bitch, am I right? And we also had appearances from both Tessa and Raphael! What did you think of them?
> 
> Next chapter will be posted next Friday at 5 pm.
> 
> Until then, comment below, and keep messaging me on tumblr. @therapyfornerds . If I don't reply, it's because I'm at school. Time zones are tricky things. But I do like talking about this fanfic, and Shadowhunters in general. 
> 
> In fact, if you message me on tumblr and ask... I might even give you a sneak peak for next weeks chapter... :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Tears started to drip down his face as he brought out his phone and dialled a number he’d hoped never to have to use again.
> 
> “Hello. My name is Alec Lightwood and I’m from-” Came the familiar voice of Alexander Lightwood.'

As Camille walked away, his heart started pounding and everything felt fuzzy again. It reminded him- oh god it was reminding him of yesterday. In the bathroom, with the knife in his hands and the voices in his head screaming. Nothing felt real. Even his heart, beating in his chest, had a fuzzy, unrealistic feel to it. It was like he’d been slammed into a different life.

 

His hands were shaking as he pulled out his phone, barely able to type in the password. This couldn’t- this couldn’t be happening. He was supposed to have been better today, everything was supposed to have changed. After his conversation with Alexander last night, it was all meant to be different. Magnus was supposed to start living again.

 

He called the number, legs giving out and sliding onto the floor. 

 

The ceiling stared back at him.

 

“Hello. My name is Alec Lightwood and I’m from-”

 

“Alexander…” Magnus breathed the name, almost too shocked to cope. His heart had quietened down again, but his breathing was still too fast.    
  


But the phone in his hand felt like a lifeline. They’d saved him last night, now they would save him now. He had help; Alexander cared about him. He would stay on the phone all night if Magnus needed him too, because Alec cared that he wasn’t going to hurt himself. This total stranger was here at a point when none of his friends were.

 

“Magnus.” Alec sounded surprised. “I didn’t expect to hear from you today, what’s wrong?” But Magnus couldn’t reply, the words were stuck in his throat again. Panic ran through his, red hot.

 

“Okay, Magnus, breath for me.” Alec knew- how did he know? Magnus focussed on Alec’s breathing, which was slow and steady. He copied it, carefully listening for each time Alec would slowly taken in a breath, and each time he would exhale. It took a couple of minutes, but it was a comfortable silence.

 

“I’m going to teach you a way that you can steady your breathing on your own,” Alec said calmly. “This doesn’t mean you still can’t call up for one of us to help you, but it just means that in situations where getting out your phone isn’t possible… you can still get control of yourself.” His voice was as smooth as Magnus had remembered it, and it ran over him, soothing him. It grounded him.

 

“Okay.” His voice was still small and weak. Magnus silently chastised himself.

 

“Breath in for a beat of four. This needs to be a slow four- for example, I count ‘one elephant, two elephant… etcetera…” Magnus nodded, and then rolled his eyes. God- he was so stupid. Alec couldn’t see him. “Then hold your breath for a count of eight, breath out for eight, hold for four…. Continue until your heart has slowed down to a regular speed.”

 

“Thank you,” Magnus whispered, committing those instructions to memory. His breathing had slowed down now, but this big, cold, empty space still seemed too empty and his legs were still shaking. 

 

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

 

Magnus didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to talk about what happened, how he’d fucked up, but there was no way he’d cope if Alec hung up. There was no way he could just ask Alec to talk about his day again, it was creepy. Maybe Alec would think he was a stalker?

 

“Magnus, calm down. We don’t have to talk about it. I can tell you about my day instead.”

 

“Please do.”   
  


“I woke up at… six, yeah, six this morning. Jace- that’s my adoptive brother- was lying topless across the bottom of my bed. Of course I was extremely confused, and also embarrassingly turned on. I just…” Alec broke of to sigh, “The world is mean to me sometimes. But I got out of bed, sorted all of that, and it turned out that Jace had got so drunk the night before that he decided to curl up at my feet like a dog. My sister Isabelle had a video of him coming home on all knees, barking at things. She went to the party too.” Magnus flinched. Camille was probably at this party. “No hangover, though. I swear my sister is magic. No hangover after a party that had Jace so drunk he became a dog.”

 

Magnus laughed quietly, imagining it. He didn’t know what Jace looked like, but Magnus guessed that he was very fit and rather large. A very fit man on all four knees running around… wherever they were…  pretending to be a dog? It was enough to partially crack through the thick layer of despair currently surrounding him.

 

“My parents called, which was fun. But Isabelle snatched the phone out of my hand and told them to bugger off. It-” Alec broke off to snicker, which Magnus found incredibly cute. He hadn’t heard that kind of laughter, (the innocent kind) in so long. “It was kinda hilarious. I had to buy her a donut as a  thanks afterwards. Jace could barely breath he was laughing too hard.”

 

“Your family sounds pretty awesome, Alexander,” Magnus said wistfully. They reminded him of how things had been, before. The scene playing was light and happy, nobody was cold and everyone was wearing whatever they wanted to. Isabelle was sat at the counter (they had a white counter in his vision,) sipping a tea smugly while Jace rolled about on the floor, both moaning in pain and laughing. Their blonde hair shone. And Alexander stood there, trying to look serious but also smiling. “But where was Max?” He was the younger one.

 

“Max had to go back home.” Alec’s voice was slightly deeper, and Magnus frowned. But then it lifted. “We keep getting sent selfies of his disgusted face with captions like ‘Mum just slutshamed the waitress’ or ‘Dad refered to Alec as an abomination again- #234times dude.’ I feel for him. Living in that house was not easy, but at least by that age I had both Isabelle and Jace to keep me alive.”

 

Alec sighed, and then paused. Magnus stayed quiet, the apartment slowly getting lighter around him. The cold fingers of the early morning air was lacing around him, but he was warmed by the idea that Alexander was talking to him.

 

“Magnus?”

 

“Hmm?” He replied, staring up at the ceiling. At least it was completely intact. That was one advantage of being banished from the bedroom: no agonizing over that dreading bit of ceiling.

 

“Are you ready to talk about what happened? It’s okay if it's not, but…”

 

“I’m ready.” Magnus took in a deep breath, slowing down his thoughts and making sure he was calm. He was ready to do this, he wanted to do this. Talking to Alec, getting all this out would finally lead to him being free from this eternal hell.

 

“I have a girlfriend, called Camille.” Her name tasted bitter on his tongue and he hated himself for it. “And she tells me we’re forever but… she keeps cheating on me.” Magnus took in a shuddering breath. “And she did tonight as well. With two guys. And I- when she came in, she yelled at me? She expects me to be asleep by the time she comes home but… well she didn’t even come home after work before going back out again and I just wanted to see her.” His voice was getting higher, so he stopped talking.

 

“Oh, Magnus.” Alec’s voice was sad, but it didn’t seem like he was pitying him. “It was not your fault.”

 

Strange, how he could say that so confidently. “No, it was,” Magnus told him. Alec obviously didn’t understand the whole situation; it was always Magnus’ fault. “I waited up for her, made her feel over crowded.”

 

“Were you wanting to annoy her, Magnus?”   
  


“No?”

 

“Did you feel hurt and betrayed?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Then it was not your fault.” Magnus let the words sink in. How was Alec telling the truth? It was always  Magnus’ fault in the end. Even when it looked like it was Camille’s fault… she always explained how Magnus had stressed her out in some way. “I know you’re confused right now.” Alec continued. “But I promise you, it was not your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You waited up to see your significant other. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and her yelling at you was completely unjustified. Her cheating on you was also her fault.”

 

“I don’t-” Magnus was a bad lover, that’s why Camille cheated. 

 

“Magnus.” Alec’s voice was still kind, but it had also become final. “It was not your fault. I want you to repeat that, for me.”

 

Magnus was conflicted. “It was not my fault,” he said, still unsure.

 

“And now,” Alec continued. “I want you to tell me all the reasons why it was not your fault.”

 

“It wasn’t my fault because… she chose to yell at me?”

 

“Close…” Alec sounded patient. “I’ll give you an example: Camille cheating on you was not your fault, because she ultimately makes the decision over who she fucks.”

 

Magnus flinched, his heart beating wild. “Okay…” He was doing this for a better future, he reminded himself. He wasn’t betraying Camille. He wasn’t betraying Camille. “It wasn’t my fault that she was angry when she came in because… she was also incredibly drunk and I just wanted to see her, which isn’t a bad thing.” 

 

“That’s really good, Magnus, well done.” Alec sounded happy, but Magnus felt sick. Bile rose up in his throat and he hurriedly swallowed it back down. “You think you can do another?”

 

“No.” His voice was weak, and Magnus sighed at himself. Fallen at the first hurdle? That was so typical of him. God, he hated himself.

 

“Okay, then we’ll talk about something else. But Magnus? I’m so proud of you.” Those words didn’t make sense either; how could Alec be proud of him when he’d failed? 

 

“How about, instead, we play 20 questions?” Alec’s voice, light and soft, was a pleasant contrast to the darkness inside of him in that second. “It can distract you.”

 

“That sounds good, yeah.” And it really, really did.

 

“Okay so… favourite colour?”

 

“Pink? Maybe orange…” Magnus thought. “It used to be that every single day I’d have a new favourite colour. Nowadays… not so much. You? And what is your favourite song?”

 

“Colour: black. Song… Run boy run?” Alec gave a little laugh. “I used to listen to it ironically but then I actually started to like it. You? What is your eye colour?”

 

“Brown, because I’m a common person. Oh- and my favourite song….” Magnus stopped. “I… I don’t have a favourite song anymore. I don’t listen to music. Camille always chooses it. I used to listen to all sorts… Disney, punk rock, lots of indie, classical also made a good background to rainy sunday afternoons.” Magnus trailed off, eyebrows furrowing. When had he stopped listening to music?

 

“Okay, well. I’ve got a task for you to do tomorrow, is that okay?” Alec still sounded light. “I need you to go onto youtube and create a playlist of music. I want you to put on whatever music is recommended to you, making sure you get all genres and types. The smallest number of songs you can have is a hundred.” Alec paused, and Magnus took it in. Alec sounds so excited for him. “When you’re alone, and going to be alone for a while, press play- and shuffle- on this playlist, and dance. Dance, sing, pretend to play the violin. Explore music again.”

 

“I can do that,” said Magnus, and he meant it. Once again, he was inspired. But not only was he inspired… he had a plan. And he always followed through on a plan. “Thanks Alec.”

 

“No problem.” Alec sounded like he was smiling. “Shall we continue?”

 

“Yes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> There- you were all looking forward to seeing their next conversation... I hope you liked it.
> 
> This chapter was just of Magnus and Alec- so you'll have to wait until next week to see more development in Camille's dreadful character. But do not worry, that is coming.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always loved!
> 
> Tell me what you thought about this chapter! Either down in the comment section- or come chat with me on tumblr (Sneak peaks are always available...)
> 
> Also- tell me if you would like me to do any separate side fics with Alec's POV. I might be open to suggestions and prompts...
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wakes up, and sees the sun. And he's smiling.

The first thing Magnus noticed, was the sun. It shone through the little crack in the curtains he’d slowly pulled across last night, and filled the entire room. It was warm and yellow, shining like a prayer or an angel’s song. It was just the morning sun, shining like it did every single day but… today it felt so totally different.

 

Magnus could smell something. It was also coming from outside, along with multiple shouts from people already starting their days, and Magnus felt almost drawn to it. Without much thought at all… Magnus got out of bed and padded over to the window.

 

Leaning out of it, Magnus took in a deep breath. At first all he could smell was the petrol from the cars speeding down the streets. But then he realised he was smelling flowers. Below them was a flower stall. Even from way up where Magnus was, he could see the variety of different colours and shapes, and he could definitely smell them. It was beautiful.

 

Magnus pulled back from the window and blinked a couple of times. Things were different, things were absolutely definitely different. He was noticing the beautiful sun, smelling the stall of flowers that had probably been there every morning for a couple of days at least. And he’d got out of bed.

 

By ‘out of bed,’ he meant off the sofa, where he’d slept for the last few hours. When Magnus had finally felt safe enough, he’d stopped talking with Alec. Alexander, after Magnus insisted, promised that he wouldn’t be getting up at six am (considering that it had been three am when this was happening.) Magnus had curled up, and fallen asleep soundlessly.

 

“You’re up.” Camille’s voice was a shock, and Magnus jumped. His heart started beating heavily in his chest, and there was a sick feeling in his stomach as he slowly turned around to see her. Would she apologise? Would she even remember what she said last night?

 

“God, you look a mess…” Camille sighed at him. Magnus’ stomach flopped as he took in her perfect appearance. Another tight dress, more perfectly applied make up. It was almost like yesterday never happened except… Magnus was standing in the middle of the living room, neck still slightly aching from sleeping on the sofa. “Clean yourself up for when I get home?”

 

“It’s not my fault,”Magnus mumbled, looking away from her. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t look at her any longer; his heart was pounding and he was desperately trying to remember the breathing thing Alexander had taught him yesterday. But it was just so overwhelming, having her standing there.

 

“Excuse me?” Now Camille was the one shocked, and Magnus forced himself to look up. Her face was a picture of disgust and disbelief. Lip curled, she added, “How dare you say that to me? When I was forced to sleep in my bed alone thanks to your stupidity last night?” The laugh that fell out of her lips was short and bitter.

 

Magnus didn’t say anything, swaying slightly back and forwards as he stood there. Why had he said that? He hadn’t meant to…. But he’d been thinking it, and then he stupidly said it out loud. Because the reason he was standing out here in yesterday's clothes was not Magnus’ fault. 

 

(Was it? Technically he was doing something wrong… and he could have stayed up waiting for her in his pyjamas.)

 

No. It was Camille’s fault. He wasn’t in pyjamas when Camille came in, but neither was Camille. They’d both been in day clothes, but Camille had decided to punish Magnus. Camille had made that decision, not Magnus.

 

But he didn’t say it out loud; it wasn’t worth it.

 

“I’m going. I’ll be back at five. Have dinner made, won’t you?” Camille’s face transformed, and she smiled at him. She was back. Magnus felt his shoulders lift, because Camille was happy with him again. Everything was fine. Maybe she’d actually be home for dinner today, like the olden days.

 

“Goodbye.” He whispered it, like a prayer. Wishing for her to come home soon, and wishing for everything to be normal.

 

But she didn’t reply before walking confidently out the door, and Magnus was forced to realise that she hadn’t changed at all. Things weren’t going to go back to the olden days.

 

Strange. He’d only let himself believe in that kind of miracle for a second- just one, tiny, insignificant second. Not even enough time for it to fully lodge inside his brain. But seeing Camille walk away and close the door with a small bang was enough to leave him winded. That small second had been long enough to ruin him. It had been hope, which wasn’t something Magnus experienced often.

 

“It’s not my fault,” Magnus whispered into the empty apartment. The words disappeared in an instant, but just like the tiny insignificant second of hope… it caused a ripple; it wasn’t his fault. All human beings had hope, it’s fundamental for survival. Back when humans were hunting in caves, hope meant they didn’t give up and starve when the winter was particularly bad, and therefore hope was ingrained into his very soul. Having hope, and opening himself up was brave.

 

“It’s not my fault,” Magnus said, louder than before. The words reached out before, once again, disappearing. Perhaps, none of this was his fault? He’d tricked himself into thinking having hope was his fault, what else had he made up? What else hadn’t mean his fault.

 

“It’s not my fault!” Magnus suddenly shouted. This time the words echoed of the walls, bounced around and hung in the air. “It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!” He was mad, yelling it at inanimate objects and screaming it out into the universe. The entire world was stood extremely still, and Magnus felt powerful. He’d changed something.

  
  


He grinned, which felt odd… and yet, so incredibly right. He was grinning to himself, in the middle of an empty apartment building, wearing clothes that really were disgusting. The background noise was car horns and shouting drifting in from the open window. But it felt absolutely and completely right. It felt real.

 

Inspired, Magnus spun round and grabbed his phone. He quickly unlocked it and pulled up youtube. Alexander had told him to go on youtube and create a playlist full of random songs. So that’s what he was going to do. Disney, pop, jazz, classical. All the stuff Camille found boring, and all the stuff she tolerated. He could put whatever he wanted on this playlist, because it was his.

 

-

 

He’d forgotten about all this music. 

 

Some of it was familiar; certain songs were used for his videos and some Camille was okay with him playing. He still added them to his mega playlist, but he knew them already.

 

Some of them he hadn’t listened to in years. Eyes wide, breathing slow and steady, Magnus was carefully looking through every playlist, every recommended song, clicking and adding in order to fill this playlist up. He’d already reached 50 songs… and he wasn’t bored.

 

Even though this part was the pre-fun job, Magnus was enjoying it. The simple act of doing something just for himself was enough, but the path down memory lane was also refreshing; for once, it was a good past. Too often, he refused to look backwards. This was because backwards meant thinking about his family. But this meant that he couldn’t truly reflect on what life had been like before Camille. It was just the dark ages before the sun.

 

However, this wasn’t all true. As this was helping to remind Magnus, parts of his life had been really good. Sitting in the bar and listening to Ed Sheeran play from tinny speakers with his friends was a good memory, and sitting at home… blanket wrapped around himself while eating popcorn he’d made and watching Disney’s Cinderella. It had been a good life, and Magnus wished it had been enough.

 

But it hadn’t, so… Camille had become the thing he’d lived for. 

 

Magnus shook his head, looking back at list of songs in front of him. He needed at least fifty more songs, and then he needed to enjoy them. Therefore, no more thinking about Camille. None. 

 

-

 

“I’m just a poor boy from a poor family!” Magnus whispered dramatically into the mirror of the bathroom. His reflection stared back at him, a picture of mock terror. “He’s just a poor boy from a poor family!” Raising his voice, he jumped back and raised his pretend microphone. (A shampoo bottle.) “Spare him his life from this monstrosity!” Voice raised even louder, and backing out of the bathroom, he matched his slide-walk in time with the instrumentals.

 

The music blared out from the speakers. One good thing about Camille, was her speakers. Magnus was actually living in the music. It did mean that whenever a screamo song came on the entire apartment shook in fear and one mirror broke, but other songs came alive, dancing about to their own harmonies. Disney music was meant to be heard like this, Magnus was sure of it.

 

Song number one hundred and thirteen, and he was breathless and grinning. The bohemian rhapsody meant he could, like nearly a hundred of the previous songs, belt out the lyrics. He’d lost a lot of anger today.

 

He’d lost a lot more than anger, though, Magnus thought idly when the song stopped and another one started to load. Now he was in the kitchen, posed dangerously with a shampoo bottle. Magnus probably looked perfect for a nonsense advert about perfume, but Magnus was too happy to care about how silly he looked. This was all definitely his fault.

 

As well as losing anger, he’d lost quite a lot of weight off his  shoulders. Knowing that this was an amazing thing he was doing for himself meant he felt happy. Finally. After all these years.

 

It wasn’t perfect. Even as Magnus started humming the start of ‘it’s a final countdown’ he was half aware of the fact that when Camille was home, when this moment was over, he’d have to face the face that he’d discovered something life changing. Something that, if he didn’t ignore it, would mean he would have to change everything or live his life knowing it could be so much better.

 

But that wasn’t the point. The point was here and now, in that second, Magnus felt immortal; his smile was genuine, his breathing was jagged due to the exercise, and nothing was bad. He’d rediscovered music, and there was a reason entire lives could be changed by music: it filled a person’s very soul, sang into their cells and reverberated around. It was magical and forever in a way a human- and therefore a human’s problems- could ever be. A person could drown in it, or fly with it.

 

He was flying.

 

He was free.

 

-

 

Typically, it wasn’t long before Camille came home. She swept in at five, hair still immaculate and clothes barely ruffled from the long day at work. Her lips were pursed as she looked around the apartment, until she saw Magnus.

 

He was just finishing the dinner: roast chicken with some vegetables. Although he was having a ‘mental health day’ as tumblr often called it, he wasn’t stupid enough to not make dinner. Anyway, Camille expected it. Even if she was the worst person on the planet, he wouldn’t not make her dinner. That would make him a pretty awful person too.

 

“Magnus.” Her voice was disapproving, and Magnus’ good mood sunk. “You seem… awfully energetic today.” Too late, Magnus realised he’d been humming a few of  his songs from today, and winced. And then he paused. Why should he feel the need to say sorry? He wasn’t been energetic, he simply wasn’t extremely and cripplingly depressed today. Which was a good thing.

 

“I’ve felt a little down in the past few days,” he told her. “I’m feeling a lot better now”

 

“Hm.” Camille raised a pretty eyebrow and sighed. “Fine. As long as you still cook me dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)
> 
> Halfway through! 10/20… Wow. This is my first long fanfiction, so this is kinda big for me.
> 
> I hope you guys liked this chapter. No Alec in there… (I guess you'll just have to wait until next week.....) But Magnus was happy! Until Camille came in to ruin everything, as always.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always loved <3
> 
> Tell me what you thought of this week's update down in the comments. You could also come and talk to me on tumblr- I'm still giving out sneak peaks of the next chapter if asked :) What do you think will happen next? What do you want to happen?
> 
> Next chapter comes next Friday, same time as usual.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camille didn't care that he was feeling better.
> 
> Camille didn't care.
> 
> But she always cared. She always looked after Magnus, wanted to make sure he was happy. That was why she was so stressed all the time- because she cared about Magnus. And now... she didn't?
> 
> His entire world was spinning upside down.
> 
> So he called Alexander.

“She didn’t seem to care at all,” Magnus frowned. “Actually, she did seem to care. But she wasn’t happy about my transformation, she was disappointed.”

 

“She was disappointed?” Alec’s voice was still smooth as it came through the small speakers of his phone. It was late at night again, and Magnus was sat in the living room, back pressed up against the wall and hugging his knees with one arm.

 

“Definitely. She has a disappointed voice, and disappointed look. Her eyes go almost black, and then she talks and… She’s so overly disappointed. And I hate that she’s been disappointed in me so many times I know what it looks like.” Around him, the apartment was cold, and the hairs on his arms were standing up. Magnus stared at them.

 

“Why is she always disappointed?” Alec’s voice was curious. The question was no different to the hundreds he’d asked before- simply trying to understand Magnus’ situation- but suddenly his throat closed up. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t reply, and the air was pressing down on him. How was he meant to answer a question he didn’t know the answer too? It should have been easy: Magnus was never good enough. But after the past few days… Magnus couldn’t be sure.

 

And it scared him; everything had been thrown off centre. The entire world was spinning faster and faster, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

 

“Magnus? Breath for me, Magnus.” There it was- a faint soft voice within the humming in his brain. But it was too quiet to properly focus on the words. He’d already forgotten what they’d said. Still the air pressed down against him. “Magnus- it’s Alexander. Breath. Remember the technique I taught you, and copy me.” The voice was louder, and now he could hear something akin to heavy breathing. He tried to copy it.

 

The humming quietened down a little, and world slowed down. He could breath. Maybe he was going to be okay after all.

 

After a few minutes of silence, Alec spoke again. “I’m sorry, Magnus. I didn’t realise what I’d said. How about we take a break and talk about something new? Isabelle tried to bake a pie yesterday.”

 

Magnus considered this offer. On one hand, the offer of this brilliant distraction sounded perfect. He hadn’t heard much about Alec’s disaster, yet genius, of a sister in the past few days and he was kind of missing her. Not to mention the bonus of ignoring the squeezing of his treacherous heart as he had to think of the ways Camille was wrong… But it was the easier option, and Magnus was determined to get better. Even if it meant throwing himself to the sharks.

 

“No- I…” Despite being certain that he needed to say this, Magnus still couldn’t find the right words. He could feel his frustration growing by the second. “She tells me it’s because I can’t do anything right.”

 

“Do you believe that?” There was no hint of judgement in Alec’s voice, and Magnus could feel his mouth becoming less dry. Whatever Magnus replied, Alec would stay on the phone. Alec wouldn’t stop talking to him. 

 

“Sometimes,” Magnus admitted. “Less than before,” he added, suddenly wanting Alec to know how much he’d helped him. God knows where Magnus would be without Alec. (Probably dead, since he’d been planning to kill himself the night he called. And that hung inside him like a dead weight; he couldn’t ever just help himself. He always needed help.) “But still sometimes. And… I hate disappointing her. I owe her so much, and whenever I muck up whatever I can do to help, it sucks…” He trailed off.

 

“I understand, and your feelings are valid, Magnus. But you don’t owe her anything, okay? You can walk away and say no at any point- if you want to.”

 

“No… No I can’t?” Magnus was confused for a second, before he remembered that Alec didn’t know everything. However much it seemed like it, he was still in the dark about somethings. Which was okay. All he had to do was explain, and Alec would realise Magnus couldn’t just walk away. “She saved my life. I- I was going to jump off the bridge.”

 

It was all coming back, the cold wind running wild around him, whistling his regrets so loudly everyone in the world could hear his failures. He had been wearing his brown dress shoes, and a fashionable three piece he’d bought last week in an attempt to feel something- anything- anything other that the emptiness that had filled him up. The emptiness had overflown, and he was already drowning. Darkness swam in front of his eyes. 

 

And then she was there. “She stopped me from jumping, reminded me why I shouldn’t jump. Camille saved my life, and she’s been looking after me ever since.” Silence came from the other side of the phone. So… as you can see, I do owe her.”

 

“That’s where you’re wrong, Magnus. Trust me- it’s okay that you’ve been thinking that because everyone does but… you’re wrong. When you two were both on that bridge… she didn’t save your life in the sense that you’re thinking. She said something that made you realise you didn’t want to die. She said something so that you saved yourself.”

 

Magnus couldn’t speak- couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. It made no sense, but it made so much sense. “Like when you called me, the first night. You wanted to die, but you called me so I could distract you. You saved yourself again, for a second time.” Alec’s voice was firm and soft- immortal. It rang through him. “You don’t owe Camille, Magnus. You owe yourself.”

 

“I-” Magnus stopped. What could he say? He didn’t really fancy saying much; his entire world had just been turned around. Foundations were crumbling, and Magnus was suddenly terrified that this massive change he was trying to bring about was going to destroy him. “Talk about something else-” He blurted out.

 

“Alright.” Alec didn’t seem disappointed. “Izzy’s apple pie is a suitable conversation I believe.” He paused, but Magnus didn’t say anything. He continued, and Magnus concentrated on breathing. “She’d managed to discover something amazing at the lab that day, and had gone out to buy some clothes to celebrate. I can distinctly remember Simon calling me and asking if I could come round to their house at the weekend to help make another wardrobe because there was no more space for all the clothes Izzy has.” Magnus could imagine him smiling at his catastrophe sister. “And then she came round to bake an apple pie.

 

“Unfortunately, no one was at home to stop her. Simon had gone to band practice, and Jace and I were still working. Max has been stolen back by the parents. By the time I got home… an hour later- she’d done it. Destroyed the kitchen, and burnt a thing in a tin. I say thing because, well, it looked more like an alien than a pie. Very doubtful it contained any real apple.”

 

Magnus felt the small giggle escape his lips before he realised it was happening. He froze. That was… unexpected. He hadn’t been aware that he was so relaxed. Laughs were unusual things, and Magnus usually was very aware of when they were happening- monitored them, even. Couldn’t laugh too much, couldn’t laugh to little.

 

“Can’t someone just teach her cooking?” Magnus asked quickly, voice raspy and quiet from the embarrassed shock running through him.

 

“People have been trying all her life. Even our Mother tried to teach her cooking, and our Dad often bought her cooking books from when he went on holiday. The apple pie,” Magnus heard him almost shudder- “Was a recipe from one of those such recipes. Alas, my sister just can’t cook. Maybe it is a curse.”

 

“So, who lives with you?” Magnus asked curiously. The first time he talked to Alec, Alec mentioned having all his siblings in his house. But since then he’d found out that Isabelle lived with Simon, and Max only came down some weekends. 

 

“Jace.” Alec’s voice took on a different tone- one that Magnus recognised as the one reserved for Alec’s adopted brother. “We share the cooking, but I’m better at meals and he’d better and baking cakes so we usually split it that way. In fact, Jace’s chocolate cake is to die for. I’m not sure what he puts in it… But it’s probably not legal.”

 

Magnus hummed, mind starting to wander. He thought about Alec’s life, how his family was always around his house, and how he didn’t have much money because he volunteered at the samaritans and worked at a pub in his lunch breaks and a couple days a week. In actual fact, Alec had a ton of money in a bank account from a company Alec partially owned. (His parents had apparently sorted this out when he was born- unaware that their son wouldn’t follow in their footsteps.) But he used it only when necessary. 

 

So he was poor, and sensible. And amazingly kind. With all the stuff happening in Alexander’s life, Magnus couldn’t believe the man had turned out so sympathetic. His parents openly refused to accept him being gay, he had a crush on his hetrosexual adoptive brother, and he was incredibly busy all the time.

 

Magnus wouldn’t be able to cope with all that.

 

“How are you feeling, Magnus?” Alec asked, and Magnus sighed at the change in conversation topic. He’d obviously decided it was time to face the ugly feelings inside of him.

 

“I don’t know.” Magnus was being truthful: he really didn’t know. On one hand, Alec was probably right. However, on the other hand… Camille had been at least part of the reason he hadn’t jumped off the bridge. He felt guilty for thinking he might not owe her. “It’s confusing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)
> 
> So... how was that? Did you like it?
> 
> Another phone call between Alec and Magnus! They're getting closer...
> 
> And no Camille this week. Next week, however, she will return- and so will another character we've only seen in this fanfiction a could times before. Comment below if you think you know who it is!
> 
> Kudos and comments are always loved.
> 
> Tell me what you thought about this chapter! What do you want to happen next? (I know a lot of you will say for Alec and Magnus to meet... and you'll just have to wait and see... ;) )
> 
> Until next Friday, come and find me on tumblr- @therapyfornerds .
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe today he could put a little make up on. 
> 
> Maybe he could take his first step towards recovery.

Humming, Magnus looked at the selection of lipsticks in front of him. The colours ranged from nude to bright green, and he couldn’t help but get a little nostalgic looking at them. He ran a finger over them all, remembering back to the time it had been common practice to wake up and choose one of these for the day. The blue one he used when he was feeling daring, and the one called “hot pink” for the club.

 

Magnus picked up the lipstick for today. It had an orange tint- but wasn’t too offensive. Which was good; he might be feeling better, but he was still recovering. Twisting the cap of, and raising it to his lips, Magnus took a deep breath. Today he was going to look good, and he was going to look how he wanted. As Alec had said last night: time to live how he wanted.

 

The man staring back at him in the mirror was starting to look like someone Magnus recognised. He looked kind of fun, albeit a little worried, and Magnus wondered whether he would ever be able to go back to how it was. Before… Before what? What had been the turning point?

 

Placing the lipstick down and picking up the mascara, Magnus frowned. He couldn’t remember. One minute, he’d been fine. Next, he was living life in a meaningless haze. And if he couldn’t work out what had triggered this, how was he meant to stop it from happening again, ten years down the line?

 

He stopped his thoughts, and applied the mascara instead.

 

Baby steps, Magnus reminded himself. Today he would wear make up and whatever clothes fit his emotions and aura. Tomorrow, he would do the same. The day after the that, maybe he could figure out the meaning of life and why he fell into depression. But not today. Today he would walk around confidently.

 

He looked at his deep pink nails, and smiled. Things weren’t perfect- they wouldn’t be perfect for an extremely long time- and he may feel a little like throwing up, taking off his makeup, and hiding forever…. But it was still better than a week ago.  

 

Time to face the world. Magnus took in a deep breath, clutching at the door handle like it was his lifeline and without it he’d drown. All he had to do was turn the door handle and walk out into the bathroom. Camille wasn’t even awake yet- so Magnus wouldn’t have to face her. He just needed to go out of the bathroom and fold up his pyjamas into his drawer and then go into the kitchen.

 

There he could make some coffee and check up on his emails- maybe even start working.

 

All he had to do was turn the door handle.

 

He turned the door handle, the click echoing around the room and screaming into his ear, but he still opened the door. It was the make up: Magnus felt slightly more powerful. This bedroom still struck him with fear, and his heart was still beating wildly, but at least he had his makeup. He wasn’t the Magnus who lived in fear and hope of Camille loving him. He was the Magnus who tried to conquer life.

 

“Magnus?”  


Shit- shitshitshitshitshitshit. Magnus spun around, stumbling from the shock of her voice. It pierced the cold air and he winced. He hadn’t heard her wake up- crapcrapcrap. Trembling, Magnus placed his folded pyjamas on top of the chest of drawers and looked at her. “Camille,” he said, voice quiet and obviously scared. “Good morning.” Magnus cursed himself, fiddling with his hands.

 

All that bravado, all that silly nonsense about feeling stronger was gone. Magnus couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid. He wasn’t any better, because now he was standing here, staring at her beautiful disapproving face. He was shaking. What had he done? What if this was the last straw? What if Camille would finally kick him out?

 

“What the hell are you wearing?” Was her reply, short and annoyed. She swung her legs out of bed and stalked towards him, silent, daring him to reply. Beautiful, obviously, but Camille also looked damn right predatory. Magnus reminded himself to breath. “You look like a girlie clown.”

 

That angered Magnus. He’d spent quite a long time on this make up- and he was proud of it. For once, he looked really nice. He actually looked how he did before all the terrible things happened to him and he’d felt (for a second) pretty good about himself. And Camille felt like it was okay to insult him?

 

“No, I look good.” Magnus said, heart beating wildly. His palms were sweating like crazy- he may have been determined to call her out on her bullshit, but he also really didn’t want to. This could be suicide.

 

“I’m sorry, did you contradict me?” Camille’s laugh was short. “Honey, listen. I know you might be going through some stuff.” Jumping at the cold, Magnus stared at where her hand gripped his arm. “I’ve noticed it, obviously. Because I care about you.” Her smile was thin. “I’m really sorry I haven’t been there for you as much as I should have- but work and everything has been so stressful. You wouldn’t understand, but I am sorry. But even if you’re working a few things out, you have to listen to me. We’ve been through this before. Make up and-” She coughed, looking him up and down- “Clothes like that… They’re for girls. And models. Not you. So please don’t wear them.”

 

Silence filled the room. Magnus couldn’t- he couldn’t breath. Everything was suffocating him. He was ready to wear his clothes and put on make up but… he wasn’t ready for this. Not yet. Please not yet. Camille had been his saviour, his guardian angel, for so long. It felt like his entire world was splitting apart and he only had some old string to try and hold it together with.

 

“I like them,” he whispered. “I really like them, though.”

 

“Yeah, well I thought you loved me.” Camille snapped, no longer bothering with a gentle voice. She tore her hand off his arm, scowling. “Get out of the room. I don’t want to have to see you like this, and I have to get ready for work.” Turning around, she faced the other way. Magnus couldn’t believe her.

 

“I thought you loved me?” Magnus replied, already backing out of the room. His legs were shaky, and there were tears in his eyes. Frantically he blinked them away. Not in front of her, he decided. He wouldn’t cry in front of her.

 

She didn’t respond, and he stumbled down the hallway and into the kitchen.

 

He was texted Tessa almost as soon as he collapsed on the sofa, fingers flying across the screen in a frenzy. Heart beating faster than humanly possibly, head pounding, and whole body shaking,  Magnus felt like he could die at any second. He would list that in his top 5 worst things that had ever happened.

 

_**Magnus:** Tessa. I know I may not have been a great friend these past few years but I really need you to ignore that now and help me. Camille just freaked out on me because I’m wearing obvious make up and some flashy clothes._

 

He put down his phone and lay on the sofa, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. That could have been worse, he tried to tell himself. She could have hit him. At least he managed to get out of that room, still wearing his clothes and makeup.

 

His phone pinged.

 

_**Tessa** : That Bitch! You dealing with it? I’m working at the moment but Joe owes me a favour if you need me to come round…._

 

A little bit of weight lifted off his shoulders. At least… well at least he still had Tessa.

 

_**Tessa** : I’m proud of you btw- what is your ootd?_

_**Magnus** : You remember those red jeans from 2015?_

_**Tessa** : You didn’t!? You still fit in them?_

_**Magnus** : Of course I do- Camille  would hate it if I gained weight!_

_**Magnus** : I paired them with that cream top thing, orangy lipstick, and smokey eye shadow_

_**Tessa** : Damn- you look hot even in my imagination Bane. If I wasn’t in love already with two men…_

Magnus smiled at his phone screen, small tendrils of warmth stealing into his heart. Tessa- who’d known him before Camille did-  thought his clothes were perfect. It wasn’t enough, but it was a compliment and it helped him a little

 

_**Magnus** : Thanks Tessa_

_**Tessa** : Hmm. But how are you coping? She’s such a bitch._

_**Magnus** : I feel shitty, tbh. Which is hard for me to admit- btw. But I’m working on it._

**Tessa** : I know, Magnus. How about we meet up for coffee tomorrow? Just a couple of hours while Camille is actually working. She’ll never know, and we can talk. I miss us.

 

_**Magnus** : I miss us too_

 

And he really really did. Magnus closed his eyes for a second, resting his phone on his chest. He and Tessa (and Ragnor and Raphael and Catarina) used to hang out all the time. The musketeers, he’d joke. Ragnor would always mutter about them being the shittest musketeers. (Glittery gay, two grumpy old men, and the one two sensible ones to hold them together.) But whatever Ragnor muttered, they were always there for each other.

 

_**Tessa** : Is that a yes?_

_**Magnus** : That is a yes_

_**Tessa** : Wear the most outrageous thing, okay? Noon, the hunters moon?_

_**Magnus** : I’ll wear it if you do_

_**Tessa** : It’s a date_

_**Magnus** : I thought it wasn’t a date!_

_**Tessa** : Don’t test me, Bane._

  
_**Magnus** : Love you too_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)
> 
> So... How'd you like it?? 
> 
> I know Camille was in in, but so was Tessa! Kind of, anyway. You'll have to wait for next week to actually meet her in person...
> 
> Kudos and Comments are always loved <3
> 
> Tell me what you thought of this chapter! 
> 
> And don't worry, next week we'll be getting Tessa... And a mystery guest... That doesn't mean no Alec. But you'll just gave to wait until next Friday :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today was a good day. Today he was going to reconnect with Tessa.

 

Magnus fiddled with his jumper. He hadn’t gone with the most outrageous thing in his wardrobe; he wasn’t quite there yet, but he was wearing something that had been stuffed in the back of the wardrobe since he moved in with Camille and started a whole new life.

 

He liked wearing it- the pink jumper was soft and warm, and his jeans (black, tight, sparkly,) made him feel like a model whenever he walked. It was the perfect balance between comfortable and extremely fashionable. And no one- yet- had called him out on it. Camille hadn’t come home yesterday (though Magnus hadn’t exactly waited up for her, so it was possible she came in and grabbed some new clothes before leaving,).

 

This had meant he could get ready while listening to music, which was something very strange and foreign to Magnus. And he loved it. Loved the way it brought him energy and happiness for the day ahead. 

 

(He ignored the fact that half way through getting changed Magnus had caught himself wishing Camille never came back.)

 

The Hunter's Moon was relatively busy, considering it was midday. Then again, it was the main place people this side of town came: it was known for its excellent customer service and good atmosphere. He used to come here all the time. Magnus wondered in Maia still worked here- three years was a long time, after all, and she had been hoping to go to university…

 

He walked in, the door closing quietly behind him and he searched for, and found, the empty table Tessa sat at. Seeing her was a relief, and Magnus suddenly felt like he’d been suffocating. Now he was back with his best friend, and he could talk to her face to face. This was his friend who’d mentioned the Samaritans to him a few weeks ago. A friend who’d helped him save himself. (He mentally congratulated himself for understanding that he didn’t owe Tessa anything because she only provided him with the number.)

 

“Magnus Bane!” She grinned at him, standing up and bringing him into a hug. It felt so nice, and Magnus found himself wishing he could stay here forever. Or maybe time travel back to a time when his four friends were all he needed to feel alive and happy. “Long time no see.” Tessa pulled back and winked. “Nice pants.”

 

He bowed, letting the huge grin sit on his face for a little while longer. His heart and soul were singing. God… he actually felt free. (Obviously it wouldn’t stay; Magnus was recovering, not recovered. But just because this moment was going to be fleeting didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy it.) 

 

“Thanks Tessa,” he sat down, sinking into the soft cushion. He loved this part of the Hunters Moon: it was cozy, slightly away from the hubbub of the rest of the bar. The chairs were comfy and the small fire on the furthest side of the room almost always managed to keep the place at the right temperature. Tessa sat down opposite him, pushing forward a mug of something steaming.

 

“I’m not letting you have any alcohol before you drink this.” Her voice was teasing, and Magnus rolled his eyes. He took a sip of the coffee.

 

“You are a devil, Miss,” he replied- even though she always did this, and even though Magnus loved the coffee here. It wasn’t often he’d choose coffee over alcohol. Here, however, he’d do it more often than not. “I don’t know why I agreed to hang out with you.”

 

“Because you love me?” Curling up in her own chair, Tessa sipped at her drink. “And because you’re bored of watching Project Runway marathons?” Magnus ignored the stab to his heart. He hadn’t watched Project Runway in so long… Camille didn’t like it. He didn’t watch it.

 

He pretended to laugh, and look another gulp of the hot liquid. “Honey, I could never be bored of that.” Which was true… Technically. He was just failing to mention the fact that he really, really, really wanted to watch it because he hadn't in three years.

 

Tessa didn’t look overly convinced, but she didn’t say anything. That was something Magnus absolutely adored about his best friend: she only pushed when she knew it was right for the situation. And here, in this warm alcove of the Hunters Moon, it wasn’t. Not yet; Magnus wanted everything to be normal for a little while longer.

 

He was about to open his mouth, and say something completely different to change the subject, when a figure appeared next to them. Magnus stared at him. He was tall, but not overly tall, and his brown hair had been gelled within an inch of its life. Eyebrows furrowed, Raphael looked confused but not mean, and he was wearing a small smile Magnus still recognised.

 

“If it isn’t Magnus Bane, alive and outside.” Raphael said, not sounding too harsh. “The real world has missed you.”

 

“Raphael,” Tessa warned, and Magnus noticed her shoot a disapproving look towards the man. A sinking feeling appeared in his stomach, causing him to shift uncomfortably. He didn’t want his friends to have to tread on eggshells around him- he didn’t want to be that messed up.

 

“No no, Raphael is right,” Magnus forced himself to say. The words only tasted a little bitter in his mouth. He smiled. Raphael smiled back and it only looked slightly forced. “But, I'm here now.”

 

“Yeah, you're right.” Raphael sat down in a chair he pulled up. “Congrats for that, dude. I thought you'd be trapped forever in that bitch’s layer.” Magnus winced at his words, not meeting his eyes. Raphael raised an eyebrow and raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. We'll talk about something else. I'm just saying I'm proud of you.”

 

A moment of silence followed. 

 

Then Raphael turned to Tessa, and announced, “You know that young girl Sadie who started working at my restaurant? She has a crush on Ragnor. Can you believe it?” Magnus watched as Tessa laughed comfortably, eyes sparkling as she clapped her hands together in childish delight. Raphael too was smiling. Then Magnus relaxed into the chair, breathing better than he had for quite a while. The air seemed lighter, less like it was pressing down against him. Was it true that he felt free? Did he deserve to feel free?

 

Magnus was snapped out of his thoughts by Tessa addressing him. “Magnus, you remember Raphael and Ragnor? They’re still just as bad! In fact- they’re worse!” A small giggle escaped her lips and Raphael frowned disapprovingly next to her. “Two grumpy old men in looovve.”

 

“Where is Ragnor?” Magnus asked curiously, desperately trying to shove his previous thoughts away. (He was trying to visualize a box to lock the thoughts in, but so far it wasn’t working.) “I thought you and him were joined at the hip? Or has that girl… ur- Sadie- come in between the two of you?” His smile was a little forced, but he was feeling a little better. After all, today was a good day. Whatever happened, he’d just keep bouncing back.

 

“Working. His lunch break has been shortened to bites of sandwich as he works.” Raphael rolled his eyes. “I worry for him, but it’s gotta be done.” Shrugging, Raphael stood up. “I should probably move on and carry on with what I was going. Magnus-” 

 

Raphael paused and then smiled softly at Magnus, who was looking at him expectantly. “Really good to see you, Magnus. I’d been missing you.” After reaching forward to half hug Tessa, Raphael leaned forward and patted Magnus on the back. He still smelled of furniture, Ragnor, and cookie dough. This was comforting, and Magnus closed his eyes. If this what his prize for getting over his messed up brain? It was definitely worth the pain.

 

“Bye Raphael,” Magnus replied, smiling back as the man turned and walked away. 

 

“That was a surprise!” Tessa smiled cautiously. “You sure you were okay with him?” She sipped her tea casually, which Magnus appreciated; she was trying to make sure he didn’t feel too overwhelmed by her question. But this time, he didn’t need that. He actually felt fine. 

 

“Yeah.” Magnus smiled. And then he paused, took a breath, and admitted, “I’ve been talking to someone- so I can get better? He’s been helping me realize that Camille isn’t as amazing as I’ve believed she was.” His heart was pounding in his chest, and those words still weren’t easy to say.

 

“Magnus.” Tessa’s voice was soft and she placed a warm hand on his arm. “I’m so proud of you, well done.”

 

“I haven’t exactly managed that much yet,” he said quickly. “So… there’s probably quite a bit to go before you get your old party loving Magnus back. But the process has started now.”

 

Tessa’s smile was contagious, and Magnus found himself smiling with her.

 

-

 

“It’s okay for me to feel guilty?” Magnus begged, tapping the wooden table in front of him. The apartment around him was still light; the sun was only starting to set. He’d come home quite a few hours ago to do some work before everything he’d said had just overwhelmed and crashed onto him. “She’s out working to get money for the apartment, the food, everything, and I’m slagging her off to my friends… I’m an absolutely terrible person!” Magnus shifted uncomfortably.

 

“No, Magnus,” came Alec’s smooth voice. Magnus tried to calm down, but his heart was a little too fast. “You’re not. Firstly, you have a job. Secondly, you owe her nothing.” Humming noncommittally, Magnus swept his eyes over the living room. Dust had settled on the table, the floor needed a good hoover. He could do that all in under an hour- before Camille even left work. “Repeat after me, Magnus-” Alec’s voice broke through his words. “You owe her nothing.” 

 

“I owe her nothing,” Magnus said without conviction, because how could that be true? He was sitting in an apartment she paid for on a sofa she’d ordered online. Without her… he would be on the street. 

 

“Now tell me why.” Alec’s voice wasn’t harsh- it still held the same gentleness and comfort Magnus had grown used to- but it did hold something new. There was a sense that Alec wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Tell me why you owe her nothing.”

 

Magnus may not have believed it, but he knew how to bluff his way out of it. “Because I stopped myself from killing myself, and because I have a job.” Alec didn’t say anything, so Magnus continued. “I had my own apartment before her, so I can obviously support myself financially- as well as look after a cat. I’m not useless. And… well, she is really kinda rude to me.” Magnus frowned as he spoke, realizing that he was starting to notice these things were real. The reason he could tell Alec so many reasons why he didn’t owe Camille… was because he didn’t owe Camille.

 

“Exactly.” Alec sounded like he was smiling. “You don’t owe her anything, well done Magnus.”

 

“Thanks, Alexander,” Magnus whispered into the phone, slightly uncurling from his position on the dining room chair. He’d been folded up- arms around his pulled up knees- but now he stretched out. He’d stopped tapping on a table a while back. Out the window, he could hear the same noise from the city. Nothing had changed.

 

“Anytime, Magnus.” Alec sounded a little tired, his smooth voice catching a little. “I’m here for you. And you may not realize it, but you’re doing really well. I’m proud of you.” Warmth spread through him, only slightly damped by the idea that Alec was too tired to be working. 

 

“How much sleep did you get last night?” Magnus asked, itching his wrist absentmindedly. “You sound shattered, Alexander, and you promised that you would get some decent sleep.”

 

“Jace came in halfway through a beautiful dream about a holiday in a Caribbean.” Alec sighed. “I nearly killed him- but I knew I wouldn’t be able to talk to you or the rest of my family in prison, so I held myself back. I’ll be okay, though. Don’t worry; I’m used to a lack of sleep. I thrive on that.” 

 

“Get sleep, Alec.” Magnus smiled to himself, imagining Alec sitting at a desk, rubbing his eyes and stifling his yawns. “Get someone to cover your shift and get some shut-eye. Beauty sleep is a necessary.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)
> 
> So, how'd you like that chapter? Tell me in the comment section below!
> 
> Kudos and Comments are loved <3
> 
> Come and find me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/therapyfornerds/?hl=en) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/therapyfornerds/?hl=en) ! 
> 
> On my Instagram I'll be posting sneak peaks, and also updates for other fics I'm writing! You can also go this week and check out an awesome bit of art a fan sent me for this fic :) They wish to remain anonymous, but I love them, and it <3
> 
> That's it till next week (when there will be DRAMA. Seriously, you'll probably want to kill me).


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things... things really do seem better.
> 
> Even Camille has forgiven him.
> 
> ...Maybe. He'll have to wait and see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!
> 
> This chapter does contain content that some viewers might find traumatic or upsetting. Please proceed with caution.

Running the shampoo through his wet hair, Magnus started humming a random tune. He scratched his scalp lightly and then started shaping his hair into a mohawk. Magnus grinned, knowing he probably looked ridiculous but not caring; he was in the shower. This was his time to shine.

 

Not that he would start singing. Camille was in the room next door, and even despite the huge leaps in confidence Magnus had made… he wouldn’t start singing and aggravate her even more. 

 

Though, Camille didn’t seem mad anymore. Smiling, Magnus remembered how he’d woken up, with Camille reading a book next to him. She smiled, lips pink and soft and lent down to kiss his forehead. Then she’d said ‘Good morning,’ and asked him how he’d slept. For once she seemed to really really care about him. Camille had told him to have the first shower, and that she’d wait there so they could have breakfast together. It was- Magnus admitted to himself- a miracle. And he was going to enjoy it.

 

(A part of his brain was wondering if this was a trick, but Magnus ignored it. Perhaps, he thought, Camille was impressed that he’d finally stood up for her. What if this had all been a test to see when he was ready to support himself- and now he’d succeeded? They could go back to before. No more late nights. No more suspicion. Camille loved him.)

 

He stepped back under the spray, letting the hot water run through his hair and down his face. Shampoo ran down his shoulders and his arms, and Magnus watched its descent.  This was the longest he’d spent in the shower for years, and he was enjoying the way the excess hot water loosened the back muscles. 

 

Then the door opened behind him, and Magnus froze- stopping his humming almost instantly. Why was Camille here? In fact- was it even Camille? Magnus hadn’t turned around to check, and it seemed more likely that a burglar had come into their flat and snuck past Camille to kill Magnus than it actually be Camille. 

 

But it was Camille. As Magnus turned around, he saw the soft smile playing on her lips and the glistening in her eyes. She was actually… oh god, she was actually in the bathroom with him. While he was naked. While- Magnus quickly snapped his eyes up to her's because she was wearing only a towel. A white, small towel that barely left anything to the imagination. (Not that Magnus needed his imagination. Despite not seeing Camille naked for at least a year… he had an alright memory.)

 

“Camille,” he squeaked, eyes blinking furiously. “Uh-”

 

“I was bored waiting for you… and then I had an excellent idea.” Camille grinned and took a step towards him. And then she paused. “Unless, of course, you… don’t want me to. Because just say the word, Magnus, and I’ll leave…” Her voice was incandescent, and Magnus felt his neck almost snap at the speed at which he nodded. 

 

“Feel free,” he managed to force out, desperately trying to maintain eye contact as Camille let go of the one hand holding onto the white towel. It slipped to the floor and Camille stepped into the shower.

 

At first, Magnus didn’t know what to do. All this felt so foreign, forbidden, unknown; it had been so long since Camille had trusted him. But then Camille stepped a little closer and reached up around him to work her fingers into his hair. Magnus sighed involuntarily and put his hand on her waist. 

 

“You’ve been so different this week, Magnus,” Camille murmured, hands wandering down to his shoulders. Her tone was soft, and he felt himself almost melting into the hypnotic sound. Where he was, who he was, what was happening, ceased to matter. He was in Camille’s arms; nothing could ever hurt him. “It’s… interesting. I like it.”

 

Magnus’ soul leaped. Of course Camille was okay with him being stronger. She was the one who had got him there, who had helped him get to being who he was today. No wonder she was happy: Magnus was no longer the disappointment she had started to become used to. They were finally, finally, finally back to when it was good. 

 

Magnus was saved.

 

Camille was slow and gentle, one hand gently resting on his wet hair as she leaned up and pressed her lips against his. It felt like a kiss of freedom, and Magnus whimpered. He’d have been embarrassed, but Camille leaned in close.

 

This was it- this was- god. Magnus had found peace. 

 

Camille had her other hand on his waist now, tugging him in a certain direction. He turned, obviously, because it meant more kisses, more soft sounds falling from her lips. 

 

And then.

 

Then- the water.

 

The water was in his face-

 

Right-

 

In his face. The water had been angled, and he’d been angled, in such a way that the water flew exactly over his mouth, eyes, nose, throat- which were all closing in protest as he flailed away, slipping and sliding. Magnus tripped, grabbing blindly onto anything and missing. Falling, he banged his head on the floor of the bath they’d just been kissing in, and he raised his head to apologize to Camille for ruining the moment when he saw her-

 

Smiling?

 

Magnus blanched, hurriedly tripping out of the shower. Everything had taken a fuzzy quality, and his limbs seemed stuck just a second behind everything else- he couldn’t move fast enough to stop the bathroom floor from coming up and hitting him on the head. Pain- pain from his head and his heart and the past all flew around his body in a blinding panic which was odd, because Magnus felt half numb: half detached from this screaming flailing body of his.

 

He had been wrong. 

 

About what?

 

Answer: everything.

 

Everything, everything, everything, Camille forgiving him, everything, being better, everything, maybe even wanting to live, everything everything everything-

 

This had to stop. This really, really had to stop.

 

Magnus needed to stop it. 

 

He started crawling out of the bathroom, unsure whether Camille’s piercing laugh was real or part of his imagination. Magnus wanted to claw at his ears to stop the noise, but he was too busy crawling- crawling quickly (but not quick enough) out of the bathroom and across the carpet of their bedroom. (The carpet was rubbing at his knees, but that pain was trapped behind a wall of glass. Everything other than the shock and the memories he was trying to push away was muffled.

 

He felt muffled.

 

Starting to hum, Magnus tried to concentrate on remembering the words of bohemian rhapsody. He managed to get through the first lines before- before his arms and legs gave out and he fell onto the floor. Was this is, he wondered. Was this the end?

 

Magnus had always imagined a better way of going. When he was younger, he’d imagined dying in a great battle. Then, old and wrinkly next to his lover. Then of too much alcohol when he was old after going to one too many parties with Ragnor, Tessa, Catarina, and Raphael.

 

Then it’d been the bridge.

 

Then the knife.

 

The knife.

 

Stabbed by a knife- that kind of counted. It was a sort of battle- against the world. Magnus was losing- he’d always lose, he was born having lost all too much.

 

He shouldn’t have thought about being born.

 

Memories flooded across his mind as he desperately continued crawling down the corridor and into the kitchen. Being three years old and told his mother had- had killed herself because of him. (Magnus knew now that it had been prenatal depression- not actually Magnus himself- but to be three years old and hear that…) He almost screamed as the pain ran through him- coughing as he once again watched his stepfather grab his hair and shove his face into a bucket full of water.

 

“My fault,” Magnus whisp ered, because it was always true. With his mother, provoking his stepfather, provoking Camille. 

 

With strength Magnus barely possessed, he hauled himself up- holding onto the counter so tightly his fists were white. 

 

The knife was cold in his hand, and the blade was sharp as it pricked his skin.

 

This felt like freedom. His own freedom- freedom that couldn’t be taken away in a split decision. 

 

He dug deep.

 

And then did it again, hacking away at it his own skin- because he’d done this to himself. It was his fault that his entire life had been full of fuck ups and mistakes and painful moments that created dark memories stored in the back of his mind. It was his fault, his fault, his fault, and he had to get that out of his system before he finally went.

 

He was going.

 

It was- 

 

His movements were sluggish, and Magnus blinked heavily. Behind his eyelids was a new voice.

 

A soft, silky voice.

 

Alec.

 

Alexander-

 

Call Alexander, Magnus.

 

Magnus blinked open his eyes and wrenched up his least bloody arm. His phone- the old home phone no one really used anymore was just next to the knives; all he was to do was reach the phone and dial the number. The number he had memorized from a number of times he’d called it. To reach that soft, calming voice.

 

His arm fell by his side, and Magnus started to cry.

 

He was going to die.

 

No, he wasn’t. 

 

Magnus tried again, gritting his teeth and almost groaning from the effort of it. 

 

His hand landed on the phone, and he grasped it. 

 

Phone by ear, typing in the number.

 

And then, waiting.

 

Alexander picked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Dun Dun Dun!
> 
> Hey guys :)
> 
> I feel... kinda evil. Leaving it there. Right as Magnus calls Alec... Oops? Ah well. You'll have to wait until next week to see if he manages to get through. (Next Friday, 5pm)
> 
> Did you like this chapter? What could I have improved?
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always loved :)
> 
> Come and find me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/therapyfornerds) and [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/therapyfornerds/?hl=en) by just clicking these links <3
> 
> I sometimes post sneak peaks for my chapters on my Instagram, and also information about my other fics.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus tried again, gritting his teeth and almost groaning from the effort of it. 
> 
> His hand landed on the phone, and he grasped it. 
> 
> Phone by ear, typing in the number.
> 
> And then, waiting.
> 
> Alexander picked up.
> 
> ...

“Hello. My name is Noah and I’m from the Good Samaritans.”

 

It wasn’t Alec. The voice was rougher that Alexander’s- though it was still kind- and Magnus felt his body sink with disappointment. He fell to the floor, only partially aware of the pounding in his head. The entire world was off centre, and Magnus was falling into an endless abyss. He didn’t want to die, and yet… the universe seemed determined to get rid of him.

 

“I need Alexander-” he managed to choke out. “Alexander Lightwood- I need to talk to Alexander Lightwood.” The apartment was darkening, but Magnus couldn’t work out whether that was just inside his head. Either way, it was starting to look like setting in which Magnus often talked to Alec. He’d sit on the sofa in the living room, or at the table. The apartment would be…

 

Would be…

 

“Excuse me, sir?” The voice sounded concerned. “Is there something wrong?” Idly, Magnus wondered if this person had been talked to him for long.

 

“I’m dying from blood loss because I cut myself. I need Alexander to come and save me.” No, he thought. Alec wouldn’t be happy about that. “I need him to come and help me save myself.” Well done. Magnus tried to give himself a pat on the back, but his left arm wasn’t responding to anything anymore, and he was feeling a little faint. He decided it was probably best to not to move too much.

 

“Why Alec? Wait- are you serious?” The voice was definitely concerned. In fact, this guy seemed positively panicked.  Magnus wondered what was wrong. 

 

Why wasn’t Alexander there?

 

“Yeah. I cut myself. Alexander has been counselling me for weeks, trying to get me out of this depression thingy.” Magnus giggled; his voice sounded funny. “And it was going well until this morning, when it went absolutely tits up. So I wanted to die. Except, now I don’t? I’ve realised that life could be so much more… And I need Alexander to help me.”

 

“Can you tell me your location, sir?” Noah- Neill? Nigel- said. 

 

“For Alec?” Magnus wondered, realising that of course Alexander didn’t know where he lived. Despite the fact that he seemed to literally know everything on the earth, he obviously didn’t. Certainly nothing as trivial as this. He said his address.

 

“Paramedics are right on their way,” he was told from the little voice in the phone. Who was talking to him again? Magnus shook his head, and blanched as he saw the figure in the doorway. His stepfather.

 

His stepfather was dead. And yet, as Magnus watched in horror, Pete walked over and grabbed Magnus’ left wrist and squeezed. Choking back a scream, Magnus tried to get away. His heart was pounding, sweat trickled down his neck. His stepfather’s eyes were black with fury. Revenge- he must be back for revenge. Closing his eyes, Magnus braced himself.

 

He let go of the phone, letting it slip out of his hand and clatter noisily on the floor, ignoring the voices coming from inside it. The hand of his stepfather was gone, but he didn’t dare open his eyes. It was nicer with them shut, anyway:.

 

Everything was so warm.

 

And dark.

 

A cocoon.

 

-

 

“Magnus, you need to open your eyes.” There was that smooth, soft voice in his ear. Strange, because Magnus couldn’t remember calling him, but Magnus accepted it; he couldn’t remember much right now, and it was a pleasant surprise. A warm calloused hand lay lightly on his shoulder, and he could feel a warm breath fan onto his cheek.

 

Alexander?

 

Magnus tried to open his eyes, and found himself unable to. Alec was still repeating his demand over and over again, voice still mostly comfortable- but with a twinge of panic. Hopefully, Magnus thought, that panic wasn’t caused by him. He’d hate for one of his last actions on this earth to be causing stress to a pure angel.

 

But gaining consciousness was not exactly the greatest thing. He was becoming increasingly aware of a tight pressure on both of his arms, as well as a flurry of less gentle hands and barked orders. Even worse was the pain: at the moment it was just hot tendrils slowly and carefully lacing their way through his muscles and into his heart. It was only the start. Magnus recognised that fact with a sinking heart, and a detached feeling of regret.

 

He tried to open his eyes again, but when that didn’t work he tried to say something. Perhaps he could tell Alec that he was trying to open his eyes, but couldn’t. All that came out was a small whine. The hand on his shoulder trembled slightly.

 

“I’m right here, Magnus. It’s Alec Lightwood, from the Samaritans.” Strange how Alec thought Magnus wouldn’t remember him, despite the fact he was one of the most important people in his life.  “You caused me quite a scare, Noah calling me at 8 am when I was having a late morning and eating breakfast with Isabelle.” He was trying to put on a comedic tone, but it didn’t work. His voice wobbled. “I came straight away, as did the paramedics. You’re going to survive, okay?”

 

Magnus tried to nod, but groaned as the dizziness reached a fever pitched wail inside his head.

 

“Repeat that inside your head, okay? I know you can’t speak right now, but convince yourself of that fact. You are going to survive.”

 

Magnus repeated the words like a mantra, blocking out the rest of the noise and saying to words to himself again and again and again. He was going to survive. He was, and he would meet up with Raphael and Ragnor and Tessa and Catarina. He would rescue Chairman Meow, and gift Isabelle Lightwood with a million items of clothes for her darling older brother.

 

He opened his eyes.

 

“Your hair is black,” he slurred, slowly blinking in surprise as he took in Alexander Lightwood. 

 

Alec’s face was painted in worry and panic, but he still looked hot as hell. Magnus couldn’t believe he’d been talking to a literal sex god. 

 

As Alec started to blush, Magnus wondered whether he’d said any of that out loud.

 

Oops.

 

“You’re going to be fine Magnus,” Alec smiled softly. Magnus couldn’t help but try to smile back; Alec’s smile felt like being snuggled into a soft blanket on the sofa after walking outside on a winter’s night. Comfortable, safe, and a promise of warmth.

 

“I don’t want to die,” Magnus admitted, blinking again when his vision started to blur. Impossibly, there seemed to be even more people fussing around him- and suddenly he felt himself being lifted onto a cold hard object. As he was moved around, he noticed a blurry woman standing by, watching was a shocked expression and holding her bathrobe close to her. 

 

Alec came back into view.

 

“So live,” he said, in his oh so simple matter- like nothing else made more sense. A small smile hung sadly on his lips as Magnus stared at him. Alec was starting to become even fuzzier than the woman in the doorway, and Magnus was feeling comfortable. Alexander’s words only helped, wrapping around him like a hug. “Live for yourself, Magnus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! :) 
> 
> So... Magnus and Alec have finally met! Probably not in the way that you hoped...But still. They've met. And maybe next chapter they'll actually talk properly???? (You'll have to wait and see.)
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always loved <3
> 
> Until then, go stalk my [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/therapyfornerds/?hl=en) and my [Tumbr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/therapyfornerds) by clicking on these links. Come and yell at me about this fanfiction, or come and talk to me about my big Malec Christmas Project I'm working on.
> 
> Tell me what you thought of this chapter! Did you like it? Would you want me to write a separate fic for Alec's point of view of this scene?
> 
> Thanks for reading. Xx


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last thing he'd seen was Alexander's worried eyes, and then it had been nothing at all.
> 
> And now he seemed to be waking up...

The beeping noise was becoming unbearable, and Magnus had only been aware of it for two seconds. It screamed into his skull, rattling around and knocking into everything it could- causing Magnus to try and cover his ears. Anything to stop himself from hearing the constant beeping noise.

But Magnus couldn’t lift his arms. In fact- he couldn’t even feel his arms. Instead, strangely enough, Magnus felt like he was floating limbless in a bottle of jelly. Next to a really loud beeping machine. He’d never once felt so empty and floatable, but now Magnus wanted to just float along and away from everything. It didn’t matter where; there was no such thing as direction in this alternate world.

There weren’t meant to be any other noises either, but Magnus was becoming increasingly aware of voices murmuring nonsense words around him. The words were, as of yet, not understandable, which was a small miracle; it meant Magnus wasn’t about to gain complete consciousness yet. After all, Magnus knew as soon as he did become properly aware of the world around of him… he’d be in for a lot of pain.

Concentrating, Magnus tried to work out what had happened to land him in this strange place. He could only remember flashes of memory: showering, called a guy called Noah, and then the vision of his stepfather… but none of it made sense. Why did those three things fit together? Obviously he was missing the key ingredient that suddenly made everything make sense. 

Only problem: Magnus had no idea what that key ingredient could be.

But he must have been gaining more and more consciousness, as he was now aware of the clinical smell hanging around him. It labelled the room he was in as a hospital, which made sense. The beeping noise must be the heart monitor, and the voices must be doctors and nurses.

Magnus groaned slightly, knowing he must have fucked up big time to end up in hospital. He’d been in a hospital only 4 times in his life: when he’d broken his collarbone as a little kid, when his mom had been brought in on the night of her suicide, when his stepfather had died of a heart attack, and when Tessa had had an allergic reaction to nuts. Every time there had been pain and choas. 

“Magnus?” A soft female voice asked. He flinched, but then noticed that it was a vanilla voice: not sharp or bitter sweet. This wasn’t Camille. Relaxing, he listened to her. “My name is Nurse Long, but you can call me Gracie. Everyone does.” She sounded nice. Old and nice, like Magnus’ late Grandmother. He relaxed further, his heartbeat slowing. “You are going to be fine, but it would be useful if you could just open your eyes. No pressure though!”

She laughed quietly, but her words had triggered something in Magnus’ memories. He was suddenly transported back to last night- the night of mystery. Alexander had been there. Alec had been there, begging Magnus to open his eyes and telling Magnus he was going to be okay.

Magnus opened his eyes too quickly, and he shut them again straight away. The white light of the hospital room he lay in was so bright it stung his eyes and burnt his retinas. After a second, he tried again. The world around him had completely come back to him, and he was ready to face the universe again. 

Blinking, Magnus first noticed the number of machines around him. There was the heart rate monitor (still beeping loudly next to him,) and one that was probably giving him food. Other machines were dotted around the room- screens showing numbers and lines and pictures. Normally Magnus would be interested, but his vision went fuzzy if he stared at anything for any more than a second, so he moved on. 

Nurses were coming in and out of his room- though not as many as it had sounded like. This included Gracie. Magnus noticed how her grey hair was still slightly blonde, and that her face looked as warm and welcoming as she’d sounded. She was stood to the left of him, hand hovering over his shoulder. “Well done, honey.”

She carried on talked as Magnus started to look to the right of him. “You’ll need to stay here for a couple days, I’m afraid honey, but after that you should be free to go. That does depend on how everything is looking, however, and we are going to have to-”

Her voice faded away, and Magnus stopped breathing.

On his right side, head against Magnus’ bed, and body in an uncomfortable hospital chair… Was Alexander. His face was well and truly crumpled against the stark white sheets, hair messy and unbrushed. His clothes were crumpled- and it looked like there was blood on the sleeves. A small frown played on his lips and scrunched up his eyebrows. Truthfully, he looked like he’d been dragged backwards through a hedge twice… But Magnus thought he looked divine.

“Is that okay?” Gracie finished, and Magnus nodded absentmindedly. He just wanted to run his hand through Alec’s hair before he woke up. (Because surely, as soon as Alec woke up and saw Magnus awake… he’d leave. There was no other reason Alec would have come here except guilt.) Therefore the sooner Gracie left the better. “Okay sugar pie. Get some rest.”

She left quickly, pulling out clipboard from beside his bed and updating it before she left. Magnus watched her go, wondering how she managed to be so nice in a world full of idiots and mean people. Surely she was magic.

“Magnus, you’re up.” Oh- his voice was as beautiful as he’d remembered. Magnus almost drooled- which he blamed on all the drugs they’d probably injected him with. He almost didn’t want to turn back to Alec and face him; Magnus was nervous. Nevertheless, He turned back to the raven haired boy and smiled.

“Only for a second for so,” Magnus said, voice a little loud. Wincing, he quietened down. “So you haven’t missed much, except from me being drowsy and confused.”

“Are you okay?” Alec sat up, cheeks slightly pink. His hair was lopsided from where he’d been laying down, and he quickly patted it down. While it didn’t do much, Magnus appreciated the gesture. (And the fact that he got to see drowsy Alec Lightwood was a bonus even if they both looked crappy and exhausted.) His hands seemed to flap uselessly around Magnus’ upper body.

“Yeah,” Magnus admitted. Alexander’s face suddenly transformed into relief.

“Thank god. I was so worried, Magnus! I got a call from Noah halfway through breakfast and get told there’s a man begging for me to come and help him save himself.” Taking in a shaky breath, Alec shook his head. “I obviously knew it was you, and drove like a madman to that flat you were in. And for a minute… I thought I was going to lose you.”

“I’m not that easy to get rid of,” Magnus smiled, attempting at some light humour.

“Magnus Bane, that better be true.” Alec smiled back too.

“Unless, y’know,” Magnus started to stutter, “Unless you want to get rid of me? That’s fine. I’d love for you to stay- but I understand you have a life that doesn’t involve me. So if you need to go, know that’s okay.” He had an awful feeling pooling in his stomach, imagining all the things Alec had probably put off to be here.

“Magnus, breath.” Alec smile faded slightly, but didn’t disappear completely. He was watching Alec carefully with bright eyes, slowly breathing. “I’m here because I want to be. I care about you, and I really don’t want you to be alone in an unfamiliar place. That being said, I will leave if you want me too.”

“You want to be here?” That didn’t sound right… Why would Alexander want to be here? This wasn’t exactly a five star hotel: Alec had been sleeping half propped on Magnus’ bed while sitting on a tired old chair.

“Yes. I’m worried for you, and I want you to be comfortable.” Alec shrugged, seeming nonchalant. But Magnus had just had his breath knocked out of him. This man was… something else. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Magnus mumbled, trying to sit up. If a gorgeous man was going to sit and be with him, Magnus was definitely going to sit up and attempt to be conscious through all of it. Instantly Alec helped him, fumbling and managing to prop up his pillows. A small bubble of laughter flew out Alexander’s lips as he nearly dropped the last pillow.

He was still feeling guilty, so Magnus decided to say just that. “I feel guilty that you’ve dropped everything to be here.” Perhaps it was the morphine and other medine running through his bloodstream, or maybe it was how comfortable Alexander made him feel, but he didn’t feel like he needed to hide anything right now.

“No need,” Alec replied instantly, sitting back in the chair. “Today was a day off; your words inspired me to get a well earned break.” His words were soft and playful. “Anyway, I wanted to be here. Believe it or not, Magnus, but I care about you.” Suddenly his voice dropped and became more serious. “Over the past few weeks, you’ve been calling on and off. At first, you were just Magnus. I cared about getting you back on track, yes, but I didn’t have nightmares over hearing you’d killed yourself.” Magnus tried to hide his flinch- but it obviously didn’t work. Alec took his right hand. “And then you were Magnus Bane, the man who was funny and kind. I needed you to not just be safe, but to live. I care about you.”

Magnus couldn’t speak. Alec had tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. “And you seemed concerned about me! The world had knocked you down so many times- and yet you were worried I wasn’t getting enough sleep?” The words were becoming slurred as tears started to fall down Alexander’s face. “And then you almost did die!”

Instinctively, Magnus leant forward. Alec hugged him carefully, arms not really touching him at all. He couldn’t believe it: Alec cared for Magnus as much as Magnus cared for Alec. Alexander actually cared about him, actually wanted to be here.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t be, I’m sorry.” Alec sniffed and pulled away, a small smile of his lips. “I shouldn’t have started wailing like that.” Magnus just shrugged, frowning as his vision started to go a little fuzzy.

“Alright buttercup, time to sleep.” Gracie walked back in, smile still glittering on her face. “No more tears for now.” Magnus and Alec both laughed.

“Magnus…” Alec whispered, as Gracie checked a few monitors. Magnus stared at the beautiful man in front of him. “Can I… can I give you my real number? So you can text me and I can text you?” Magnus nodded quickly- wondering how he had gotten this lucky.

Alexander produced a crumbled piece of paper from his pocket and placed it on the bedside table- next to his phone and flowers. Magnus wondered who they were from. Tessa? Alec? “There,” he smiled, as Magnus’ vision wavered again. “Sleep well, Magnus.”

And just as Magnus drifted off into a deep dark nothingness, he felt a soft pair of lips press against his forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys <3 
> 
> I can hardly believe it... We're on chapter 16 already! 
> 
> Comment down below to tell me whether you liked it <3
> 
> I did post, earlier this week, "His Voice" which is Alec's POV from chapter 15. You guys seemed to really like it, so I might write more like that. (This main story will stay in Magnums POV though). 
> 
> Go check out my [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/therapyfornerds/?hl=en%20) and [Tumblr](https://therapyfornerds.tumblr.com). My instagram is where I say when I've posted something.
> 
> Thanks for reading Xx


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was a new era. Time to start living again

The next few days, everything passed in a blur. There was crying from Tessa, stoney glares from Raphael, and Ragnor cursing Camille to the deepest parts of hell. Gracie had become an incredibly familiar face in his day at the hospital, keeping him company throughout the night- which was the worst time for Magnus. It was dark, he was alone… All his memories came rushing back.

 

But she’d stayed with him, talking about her son Sean and the football game she took him to the day before. Magnus could just lie there and listen, ignoring the screaming voices in his head and the way his wrists were itching.

 

And then he’d gone home.

 

Except, not home. Obviously, he wouldn’t be going back to Camille’s house, and he’d sold his flat when he’d moved in with her three years ago. So Tessa had offered her spare room. Ragnor and Raphael had gone round to Camille’s house to grab all his things while Camille was out (partying, Tessa had informed angrily,) which meant he did have all his stuff but… strange as it obviously was, he missed that little bit of ceiling that was only just attached to the rest of it.

 

His phone pinged, and Magnus unlocked it, still unused to the new picture. As soon as he’d been conscious enough to start thinking about anything other than the present Magnus had blocked Camille and changed the background photo to an old picture with his friends. It was nice, but it was a constant reminder of how he’d lost three years of his life to Camille.

 

**_Alexander:_ ** _ Just put on a comfy sweater and go out there with a smile. It will be fine, Magnus xx _

 

Rolling his eyes, Magnus tried to ignore the way a blush rose up to cover his entire face. It wasn’t that he fancied Alec- that was totally not it- it was just that Alec made him happy. Magnus wasn’t used to it.

 

**_Magnus:_ ** _ Alexander, I don’t own ‘comfy sweaters.’ They’re all fashionable, and you know the saying… _

 

It took Alec seconds to respond

 

**_Alexander:_ ** _ Pain is gain, yeah. But what about the red one? Xx _

 

**_Magnus:_ ** _ Ah, yes. Good plan. I do love that red one xx _

 

Magnus picked up the red sweater laying next to him carefully. It was soft, and when Magnus put it on it hugged him. In fact, embarrassingly enough, it made him feel safe- like when Alec had kissed his forehead. This was the thing he’d worn when he’d finally escaped from the hospital. 

 

Tessa had been carrying his small bag of belongings, Ragnor and Raphael had been waiting in the car, and darling Alexander had been supporting him while Catarina walked beside them. The red sweater was something he’d bought for Magnus to wear. Obviously, Magnus had hardly taken it off since

 

**_Alexander:_ ** _ I knew I had good fashion sense xx _

 

Magnus bit back a laugh, and then put his phone down to pull on the red sweater. Once it was on, he sighed. Perhaps he could do this. Perhaps this dinner wouldn’t be the hell he’d envisioned.

 

**_Alexander:_ ** _ Go, Magnus _

 

**_Magnus:_ ** _ Can’t I just stay and text you instead? _

 

**_Alexander:_ ** _ I’ve got to go to, but I tell you what… _

 

**_Magnus:_ ** _ what? _

 

**_Alexander:_ ** _ You go in there and be brave, and I’ll buy you whatever weird fancy drink thing you want at Starbucks tomorrow at 11 am… xx _

 

Okay, this time he was definitely blushing. Magnus closed his eyes and put down his phone for a second. Then he picked up the phone and sent a quick reply.

 

**_Magnus;_ ** _ I’m going, I’m going :) See you tomorrow Alexander xx _

 

**_Alexander:_ ** _ Be safe, text me later xx _

 

He closed his eyes, took in a deep breath, and walked out the room. After all, Tessa had made him a dinner- and Catarina, Ragnor and Raphael were coming around to join them. Before this all happened, Magnus used to say he thrived on challenges. If he was going to recover and become that Magnus again… he needed to prove to himself he was strong enough. What better way than this?

 

Oh, it was going to be awful…

 

\---

 

Magnus tugged on his shirt nervously. It was stupid; Alec had seen him in a hospital gown only semi conscious… but here he was, outside Starbucks worrying about what he was wearing. It was a little much- especially since Alec wasn’t used to Magnus’ fashion taste. The pink shirt showed quite a bit of chest, and the black jeans were pretty tight. What if Alec was uncomfortable being around a guy dressed like this?

 

“Magnus!” The familiar voice came from behind him, and Magnus immediately spun around. Alexander wasn’t Camille, he reminded himself silently, as the man walked up. “Hey.”

 

“Hey yourself,” Magnus smiled, not sure what to do with his hands. With his other friends they hugged… but he hadn’t really known Alec for that long. He settled with an awkward wave of the hand and smiled. “Nice sweater.” It was black- like every piece of item in his wardrobe apparently.

 

“Izzy told me I looked like a thirteen year old goth,” Alec flushed, hands in his pockets. “But, it’s comfortable. I am one of those people who doesn’t live by the saying ‘pain is gain.’ You may mock me, but…” He shrugged, and Magnus couldn’t help laughing. Alexander really was something. “And why should I try and look nice when you will always look better? I love your outfit.”

 

All the panic melted away, and Magnus relaxed. This was Alec. The Alec Lightwood he’d bared his soul out to nearly every other night. Being with him was like slipping on pyjamas and curling up in front of Love Actually with ice cream and wine.

 

“Thank you, Alexander,” He said, after realising he’d just been awkwardly smiling for at least thirty seconds. “Should we go in? After all, I think you owe me a ridiculously creamy drink.” Alec hummed in response, walking into the cafe. Magnus followed close behind, shivering slightly as the sudden cold of the air con.

 

“How was that, anyway? Last night all you sent me was ‘really good Alexander thank you’ and ‘goodnight.’” Alec rolled his eyes at him, grinning. Magnus grinned back- only feeling a little embarrassed. “Though I do think it was more like ‘gudnite, kiss kiss kiss kiss.’” Raising his hands in mock surrender, Magnus shrugged.

 

“I got shit faced drunk, Alec, to tell you the truth.” He wanted to say some more, but Alec had started laughing too loudly. Furrowing his eyebrows and looking around him, Magnus wondered what had set him off. Surely what he’d just said hadn’t been that funny? “Compose yourself, Alexander,” he teased, “I need you to order me the caramel frappuccino.”

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Alec snicked, coughing and trying to subdue his laughter as they approached the counter. Magnus laughed lightly, patting his back softly.

 

“It’s okay, my darling Alexander,” he teased. “I’m sure everyone in the line is happy to wait while you try and compose yourself.” Alec rolled his eyes- again- and straightened up, sending a dazzling smile to the lady behind the counter as he ordered the two drinks. Magnus simply waiting next to him, absentmindedly fiddling with his fingers and glancing around the place.

 

It was busy, but not so much that they wouldn’t be able to snatch a semi decent table. Which was good- if Magnus could remember which were the tables to avoid… He hadn’t been here for so long.

 

Bad train of thought: Magnus immediately shook the entire thing out of his head and tried to force himself to concentrate on Alexander. When he was with Alec, it was so natural to live in the moment and not worry about how he’d messed up his entire life. He was more himself.

 

Alec handed him a cup, and glanced at him with a small smile. “Still okay there?” Magnus nodded, and they made their way over to an empty table. It was close to the back wall- slightly more private than the noisy centre. Wondering whether Alec had done that on purpose, Magnus sat down on one of the chairs. Alec sat opposite.

 

“Thanks for the drink,” Magnus said. Alec smiled at him. “May I ask… what you were laughing at?” Alec grinned childishly.

 

“You know, you know how you said that thing about being shit faced drunk?” Alec sniggered slightly, and Magnus had to concentrate slightly harder to work out some of the slurred words. “Well, there was this little old lady behind you with a kid. And they both just kinda swung around to stare at you in horror.” Alec snorted. Usually snorting made someone look unattractive, but somehow Alec managed to make even that look cute. “Well… the old lady in horror. The little kid looked star struck. You may have had a lasting impact on a kid’s entire life… and it was by saying shit faced drunk.”

 

By this point, Alec was laughing again, and Magnus couldn’t help but join in. He was really laughing, and his stomach was hurting from the image of a grey haired grandma explaining to the little kid that that phrase was not one to tell Mommy and Daddy, and definitely not to say at Show and Tell time at school.

 

“I see you’re having a nice time.”

 

And, immediately, Magnus stopped laughing. The pain in his stomach quickly swirled into bile moving restlessly. Was he going to puke? Probably. Could he move? No: he was terrified and unprepared, and here she was- red lips and frowns. “Obviously missing me a lot.” Her laugh was bitter and sharp.

 

“Back off,” Alec said, not even looking at Camille. That would piss her off, but how would Alec know that? How did Alec know this was Camille?

 

Her response was to laugh. “Oh, pretty boy…” A flash of anger ran through Magnus, and he clenched his fist together. “You can't make me. I'm doing nothing wrong. Or, at least, you can't prove I'm doing anything wrong.” She placed her cold hand on Magnus’ arm, right over the bandage, and squeezed. “Just wanted to catch up with Magnus.”

 

Finally, Magnus looked up at her. He could feel tears starting to form, but he stubbornly tried to push them down. “Well I'm doing fine, so you can go now.”

 

“Why, of course.” Camille smiled at the two of them. Magnus could feel Alec's foot pressed comfortingly against his foot. The poor man looked furious, and his face became an even cloudier storm as Camille gave her last parting shot: “See you soon, Magnus.”

 

Then she left.

 

“That fucking bitch,” Alec hissed. Magnus didn't respond, looking determinedly down at the wooden table- hoping to stop the tears before Alec noticed. “How dare she? We need to go to court and get a restraining order. We can do that this week, Magnus.” His words became nonsense to Magnus, who was suddenly sobbing.

 

It was all too much. He was never, ever going to be free from her, was he? Life had basically ended- no matter what Magnus did, or Alec did or Tessa did…

 

He was only partially aware of warm arms wrapping around him. Small hums vibrated through him as Alexander murmured words into his ear. As it was, Magnus couldn't quite work out what those words were, but they comforted him. They brought him back into a world where peace was possible, because look at how far he'd already come. 

 

Magnus brought his arms up to wrap around Alec, squeezing tightly so that he wouldn’t move away- not yet. He breathed in deeply and tried to focus his mind on the hug. Nothing else- just the safe feeling of Alec’s arms, and his smooth voice whispering in his ear, and the way the entire word just seemed to disappear.

 

“It’ll be okay Magnus,” Alexander was now saying, pulling away. Letting him, Magnus dropped his arms and smiled shakily. “I promise.” His smile was equally as shaky, but his hands were steady as he brought them up to wipe away Magnus’ tears. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)
> 
> Chapter 17... Can you believe it? Only three more chapters left!
> 
> However, I am considering doing more side fics from Alec's POV... comment below with ideas for that if that's what you'd like to see. (Either chapters you'd like to see from Alec's POV, or say if you'd like me to continue with what happens after Your Voice ends.) It might not happen straight away, but the more comments there are the quicker I'm likely to do it <3
> 
> Also, go follow my [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/therapyfornerds/) ! This is where I post sneak peaks and updates... And soon I'll be starting my Malec Advent Calendar. (That means lots and lots of MALEC CHRISTMAS FICS.) Details will be out soon. But all of that will be on my instagram!
> 
> (Also go check out my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/therapyfornerds) )
> 
> Thank you for reading. Love you all <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec spend some time together

“Are you sure this is okay?” Magnus called for the hundredth time. He could hear Alec laughing at him. Despite himself, Magnus grinned and pulled the blanket up closer to his chin. “Stop laughing Alexander,” he called again, since the sniggers still hadn’t stopped.

 

“It is okay, Magnus, I promise,” came the smooth voice. “Like I said, Izzy’s home with Simon. And Jace is with a girl? I think her name is Clary. So you have until… noon tomorrow before he comes traipsing in through the door with a massive grin and a huge hangover.” Laughing, Magnus finally relaxed and looked around the room.

 

It was cozy, with a sofa and an arm chair both angled to look at a medium sized tv. The window to the right of Magnus allowed the sun to shine a strip of sunlight across the light blue carpet and light up the room perfectly. Pictures were hung up everywhere: on the wall behind the tv, around the window, on the wall behind Magnus… Some were even propped up on shelves. Selfies, professional pictures, wedding pictures. He recognised Alec, and Isabelle- because she was the only girl. Jace, he’d worked out, was the only one who was actually blonde, (despite his previous assumption.) He was in a lot of the pictures, often doing something dangerous or offensive. Max must be the small one, and then the only other was a nerdy looking man in star wars t shirts. Simon.

 

Or was it Sean?

 

“I’m back!” Alec handed Magnus a bowl of popcorn before he could properly refocus and register was was happening. “Hey.” Magnus managed to quickly save the popcorn, adjusting the bowl so it wasn’t all falling over the side and resting on his leg. Then Magnus looked up.

 

“Hey. Long time,.” Magnus teased, shifting slightly.  Alec grinned back at him, hands hanging awkwardly by his side. After a second of silence, Magnus realised Alec didn’t know where to sit. Magnus was basically sitting in the middle of the sofa (as was custom for him when he and his other friends had watched a movie; he must have done it automatically,) which left an awkward decision for Alec. Either he sat on the sofa- very close to Magnus- or he sat on the armchair- which would imply he didn’t want to be anywhere near Magnus. Magnus could tell Alec was working out what the hell he could do.

 

Shuffling to the left, Magnus used his free hand to pat the right side of the sofa. “Sit down, Alexander,” he said lightly. “You’re making me nervous, standing there looking like you’re going to give me an ultimatum.” It worked, Alec relaxed too, almost falling onto the sofa he moved so fast.

 

“Sorry,” Alec replied, rolling his eyes with a grin. He put his feet up on the table in front of him, (which Magnus didn’t think would be a very Alec thing to do,) and leant back. “What do you want to watch first?”

 

Magnus froze midway through shifting to face Alexander. A strange feeling whispered through him. “You mean-” He stopped; his words weren’t coming out right. Trying again, he whispered, “You mean I’m allowed to choose?” That seemed wrong. Giving Magnus that much responsibility? What if he chose a film and Alec hated it? Frowning, Magnus put the bowl of popcorn next to him and hugged his knees.

 

“Yeah?” Alec sounded hesitant. “Is that okay?” A gentle hand rested on Magnus’ shoulder, and he closed his eyes. Breathing slowly, Magnus reminded himself that he was free now. No more Camille, no more second guessing. He was picking the film because it was customary to let the guest choose the first film. Alec was just being polite.

 

“Yes.” Shaking his head, Magnus opened his eyes and turned to Alec. His eyes were concerned, hand still touching Magnus’ shoulder. As Magnus looked at him, a blush covered his cheeks and he quickly removed his hand. (Magnus tried to tell himself that hadn’t bothered him.) “Sorry, I-”

 

“You haven’t been allowed to choose the film for a while,” Alec filled in when it became obvious Magnus wasn’t going to be able to say the words. He flushed in shame. Alec, opposite him, looked devastated. “Oh- Magnus- I’m so sorry! I didn’t think… And this was meant to be an evening where we forgot everything that happened. I’m such an idiot.”

 

“You’re not an idiot,” Magnus replied softly, taking Alec’s hand. It was bigger than his own, and smooth. “You just asked me to pick a film. It’s not your fault, and it’s not mine, that you asking me to pick a film results in a terrible reminder that for three years my life has been controlled by a raging bitch.” (He only flinched a little when calling Camille a raging bitch, which he decided was a result.)

 

“I’m still sorry.” Alec smiled down at their hands. “How about we make a compromise? I pick three, and you choose one out of those three? That’s how we do it normally: Jace and Isabelle can never decide. Last time Izzy, somehow, managed to trick Jace into choosing a horror movie. I think he pissed himself.” A few laughs came out of his mouth, and Magnus was transfixed by the musical sound.

 

“Well, that sounds good. But… no horror movies please.” Magnus shuddered. He’d never liked horror movies; the idea of ghosts coming back to haunt people horrified Magnus ever since he’d learnt his mother had ended her life because of him. And the blood… Shutting down that train of thought, and ignoring itching his bandages, Magnus smiled.

 

Alec stood up from the sofa, a small noise escaping his mouth at the effort of it. Magnus chuckled, causing Alec to turn around and look indignant. “I’m tall! Standing up is hard!” Raising his hands in mock surrender, Magnus raising his eyebrows.

 

“Okay, old man. Whatever you say.”

 

“That’s it,” Alec grumbled, bending down to look at a shelf of dvds. (Magnus definitely didn’t look at his butt.) “I’m going to choose three horror movies.” His grin- which he was trying to hide- lit up his entire face, and Magnus smiled. “You’re going to go down, young man.”

 

“You better be careful,” Magnus warned. “I have the popcorn- and whatever you say, I know it’s your all time favourite thing to eat when watching movies.” Alec turned around briefly to pout, and then turned back to staring at the shelf. From what Magnus could see, he’d already picked out two dvds. Obviously the third one was causing difficulties; he was still deciding.

 

“No fair,” Alec replied, only half paying attention. “I told you that a week ago- you tricked me into thinking you just wanted to play a game of twenty questions, when actually you were gathering all my dirty secrets to use against me and also using me as an excuse to not go out with Tessa.” Magnus shrugged, and then remembered Alec couldn’t see him.

 

“I did want to play 20 questions,” he said instead. Then he paused. “I was feeling vulnerable, I was allowed to use you as an excuse to avoid Tessa!” It was meant to be said as a joke, but Magnus felt his heart sink as the words tumbled carelessly out of his mouth. “That sounded bad,” he said quickly. “You know I don’t use you like that, right? I just- well- you know comfort blankets? You’re like one of those. When I’m around you- you help me like myself. I don’t use you. I like your company, and the way you don’t understand much internet slang.” He was babbling.

 

“I understand,” Alec said easily, sitting back on the sofa. In his hands were three dvds, and he handed them over to Magnus. “I totally understand. And I like your company too, Magnus.” A week ago Magnus was in hospital, and he would have had a hard time imagining that was true. But now… After spending 6 days away from Camille, in the company of Tessa, Raphael, and Ragnor, he’d started being able to see himself as fragments of what Magnus Bane used to be. And that, plus constant text messages from Alec Lightwood, (ranging from cat memes, pictures of Izzy, moans about Jace, and deep and meaningful messages about his life,) Magnus had decided perhaps he was worth it. Worth the effort, worth the minor inconvenience of his obvious mental illness.

 

Magnus smiled softly and looked down at the dvds. Thankfully Alec hadn’t chosen all horror movies, and he found himself wanting to watch all three. But for the first one… Magnus tapped his chin thoughtfully.

 

“I’m on tenterhooks,” Alec breathed teasingly, and Magnus held one up. “Ah, good choice, Magnus. Good choice.” Relaxing, he realised he’d been tensed as Alec gave his review of Magnus’ choice. But Magnus hadn’t royally fucked up, and they were going to watch a movie. That was… that was nice. Normal. Something Magnus actually really missed.

 

Alec went to put the dvd in, and then sat back down. Only, this time he sat slightly closer to Magnus. Magnus could hardly breath, wondering whether or not Alec could hear his heart beating faster than usual. (He was close enough that it was possible. Very possible.) Alec reached out to grab some popcorn and grinned. “Ready?”

 

“Ready,” Magnus grinned in response, leaning back against the sofa. Copying, Alec stretched out and relaxed. The film started, and Magnus pulled the blanket tighter around him.

 

\--

 

Somehow they’d ended up like this: Alec’s head resting against the right armrest, rest of his body laid out on the sofa. Magnus sat in the middle again, Alec’s ridiculously long legs draped across him. The blankets were in chaos- instead of Alec and Magnus having one each, about 5 had been thrown haphazardly on top of them. Alec had spilled half the popcorn at around the third film- apparently it had scared him, but Magnus couldn’t work out what was so scary about 10 Things I Hate About You- so popcorn lay scattered. The rest of it had been eaten a long time ago, and they had drifted into a semi-conscious state. Magnus wasn’t even sure what film was on anymore.

 

“Magnus,” Alec whispered for the seventh time.

 

“Yeah?” Magnus replied, blinking up at the ceiling. It was pink, and he wondered if Alec knew how that had happened. If Magnus had to guess, he’d say Izzy did it.

 

“What if trees have feelings?” He sounded genuinely disturbed- just like when he’d asked if monkeys went on holiday or had a concept of money. Raising his head, Magnus stared at Alec in concern. Maybe he was drugged, maybe he was drunk. Either way, Alec was not properly sober.

 

“I don’t know, Alexander, I’m sorry.” Magnus was genuinely sorry as well. He wished he could tell Alec the correct answer- but he couldn’t really concentrate on much anymore. Everything just felt so light and free. 

 

“Oh.” Alec’s voice was still bubbly, so Magnus decided not to be too worried. He should probably concentrate on the fact the entire world was tilting. “Ah well. Magnus?” Magnus hummed to get him to continue. “Why are you lying down?”

 

“Dunno,” Magnus mumbled, which was the truth. “It’s comfortable. Your sofa is comfy. Like your voice.”

 

“My voice?” Alec raised an eyebrow at him- which seemed impressive for a man almost falling asleep in the middle of a sentence. “I don’t understand.”   
  


“Your voice is comfortable,” Magnus tried to explain, eyes closing and turning the world dark. Sounds still played out: he would hear the faint voices from the tv, and Alec shifting, and Alec’s laugh.

 

“Thanks Magnus,” Alec teases, and Magnus nods. “That’s good to know.”

 

“We should turn off the tv,” Magnus said as a way to reply. “After all, electricity bills are expensive, and I'm about to fall asleep..” As if on queue, he yawned loudly.

 

“Goodnight, Magnus,” Alec murmured, and Magnus sighed happily and words spun around him like a hug. His legs twitched silently, but other than that, Alexander was still. After a couple of seconds wondering whether they should have moved to proper beds , Magnus decided this was a lot better than movie, and starting drifting off too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :) 
> 
> I know I said this about chapter 17 but... chapter 18! OMG! Not many chapters left at all...
> 
> Which is kinda sad.
> 
> Are you sad? I am.
> 
> Did you like this chapter? Comment below and let me know!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the sleepover

A knocking on the door woke them up, and Magnus all but fell off the sofa. His entire body was aching- complaining from sleeping on the sofa- and everything still felt and sounded a little fuzzy. Alec hadn’t even woken up, despite the fact they’d been tangled up together. Magnus blushed deep red, staring at Alec’s ruffled hair and soft looking face. This was a side of Alec Magnus had never seen before and it was… well… it was adorable.

The knocking came again, interrupting his thoughts and immediately sending Magnus into a panic. What time was it? How long had they been sleeping? Was it Jace? His heart was beating too fast for Magnus to think about anything else, so he just stood there- frozen. But the knocking wasn’t going away.

It can’t be Jace, Magnus reasoned, because Jace had a key and Jace could let himself in. A sense of relief hit him; he wasn’t ready to face Alec’s boisterous adopted brother. 

A groaning sound from down on the sofa caused Magnus to look back at Alexander, who was blinking blearily and swallowing. Magnus tried to think about something else, like flowers, or rainbows, or work; this was not the time to think those kind of things- and he really didn’t want to think those things yet. Not yet; it was too soon. “Morning, Alexander,” Magnus said, voice embarrassingly raspy. He swallowed and tried again, “There seems to be someone at your door.”

“Shit,” Alec moaned, also falling off the sofa and landing in an undignified heap on the carpet. To his credit, Magnus did only snigger. “That might be Izzy. I forgot I was meant to text her this morning about going out this afternoon.”

“Oh,” Magnus said quietly, unsure what to do. The knocking was still as loud as before, but Alec wasn’t looking like he was ready to stand up. He was gazing up at the ceiling with an absent look on his face, mumbling rubbish. “What should I do?”

“If you want, you can go hide in my bedroom while she’s here,” Alec said, words only slightly slurred. He climbed to his feet sluggishly, and then seemed to shake off the tiredness. “But that’s only if you want to. I am totally okay with you two meeting. The only thing I’m not okay with is the fact that she will probably steal you, since she knows about fashion and stuff.” He shrugged.

Magnus smiled. “I’ll stay here,” he said, fiddling with his hands absentmindedly. “I would quite like to meet Isabelle.” Then he walked up to Alec and nudged him. “But I promise I will never let her steal me away from you.” Alec snorted, and winked.

“Thanks babe,” he teased, rolling his eyes and walking over to the door. “Appreciate that.”

He unlocked the door and opened it, giving Magnus a couple of seconds to wipe around his eyes to clear away any smeared mascara, and run his hand through his hair. After all, he did want to look semi decent for Isabelle Lightwood. First impressions were incredibly important.

A medium height woman walked into the room, wearing incredibly tall heels and a tight dress. Her hair was wavy, but controlled, in a way that told Magnus she knew her stuff, and she wanted everyone around her to know who was boss. Magnus was impressed, and stunned.

“-so of course I had to come round,” Isabelle was saying, still facing Alec. She hadn’t spotted Magnus yet. “What if you’d been murdered? And I figured if you hadn’t remembered, you weren’t going to remember.” She shrugged. “Did you forget?”

“I just woke up, Izzy,” Alec replied, tone light hearted. He pulled out a lopsided grin and pointed to the sofa. “I was woken up by your knocking. Good morning, by the way.”

“You just woke up?” Izzy laughed, turning around to look at the mess of the living room. Blankets lay everywhere, as did popcorn, and she was about be say something else when she spotted Magnus. “Oh, hi.”

“Hi,” he responded awkwardly, trying to look natural. He smiled, and Isabelle smiled back. “Magnus Bane.”

“Oh, Magnus Bane!” Her smile transformed into a grin, and she quickly walked across the living room to give him a hug. She smelt of daisies, and her hug was tight and genuine. “I’m so glad to meet you. Alec has told me about you! You went for coffee the other day?” 

Wondering why she hadn’t said anything about the hospital, or Magnus being incredibly fucked up in the head, Magnus nodded. “That’s right. And you’re Isabelle Lightwood, the sister.”

“Correct. Also Isabelle Lightwood-Lewis the best sibling in the world, right?” She spun around to Alec, who had a small smile playing on his lips. He shrugged, and Magnus laughed. “Just say yes and I’ll forgive you for not texting me.”

“If I ever say yes, I’ll be destroyed by my other siblings, Izzy,” Alec pretended to complain, sitting back down on the sofa. Magnus wondered whether he could too, or whether he was expected to sit on the armchair now that Isabelle was here. He decided to remain stood up.

“You could take Jace on,” Isabelle shrugged, sitting down in the armchair. She adjusted herself so her legs were draped over the side, making Magnus realise that that trait was a Lightwood thing. “And Max would never believe that you’d betray him. It’s really easy, big brother. Just accept the truth.”

“Not happening,” Alec laughed, leaning back against the sofa and yawning. 

“Spoil sports.” Pouting, Isabelle turned her attention to Magnus, who tried to hide the fact he was terrified. “So, Magnus, tell me about yourself. Any siblings?”

 

“You don’t have to answer,” Alec interjected. His tone made it sounded like he was teasing them both, but the hand on his back, (hidden from Isabelle’s line of site,) made Magnus understand that Alec was being completely serious: he didn’t want Magnus to be uncomfortable. Strangely enough, that made him decide to answer the question. He was with Alexander, and he was safe.

“No siblings. My… my mother died quite soon after having me.” Magnus managed a half smile, and Isabelle gasped. “Don’t apologise,” he quickly added. “It was a long time ago.” Alec hummed, and the hand on his back started drawing soothing circles. 

“Wow, okay, um…” Isabelle winced. “How about we talk about something else? Your job?”

Laughing, Magnus nodded. “Probably best, actually. Might be less awkward. I own a clothing company. Well… Partly own.” He should probably check his emails, actually. Although Caroline would be fine handling things on her own, he really wanted to get back into his old way of life. And that meant throwing himself into his work. Before Camille his company had been his baby, his life. Camille had demanded that she was the only important thing in his life. “You heard of Serenity Clothing?”

“Holy shit- you own that company?” Isabelle squealed, and Magnus couldn’t help but laugh. “Alec, how come you didn’t ever tell me you knew an owner of Serenity Clothing!” Turning around, Magnus saw Alec shrug.

“I didn’t know!” Alec defended himself, holding up his hands and smiling. 

“You’re a disaster,” Isabelle said matter of factly. Magnus smiled, warmth running through him. It was silly; there was nothing special about this. Just a brother and sister sitting down and chatting with him. But this… this was something Magnus had been missing so badly. This light hearted banter that Magnus had been starved of. He wanted this so badly to just be his life.

“Anyway,” Isabelle grinned. “What are we all doing today?” She shifted on the armchair. “Because I would love to spend some more time with you Magnus. Only, of course, if that is okay with you. If you have plans, I understand.”

“No I-” Magnus paused, because there was something burning in his chest. This conversation had made him realise something. “I only have one thing I have to do- but you two can come with me. In fact it might be useful…”

“What?” Alec asked, surprised. That made sense, Magnus had told him that today was a free day with nothing planned. 

“My cat- Chairman Meow. I need to go collect him.”

\--

“So, Magnus… I’ve got to ask.” Isabelle grinned, and Magnus smiled back. They were walking along the street towards the prison Camille had locked Chairman Meow away in. Before, they’d gone back to Tessa’s flat so that Magnus could change, and he felt so much better now his make up wasn’t a day old and his clothes hadn’t been slept in. “What kind of a name is Chairman Meow?”

“Very good question, my dear. First, it’s a great pun.” Magnus shrugged. “I couldn’t resist it. Secondly, who doesn’t like someone who said ‘in waking a tiger, use a long stick?’” Isabelle’s laugh was musical- the soprano to Alec’s bass laugh. 

“Fair enough, fair enough,” Isabelle replied, knocking into Magnus. “I approve.” He only stumbled slightly, but from the sound of Alec’s quiet snigger, Alec had seen it. A flash of panic ran through him as he wondered if Alec would humiliate him. And then he shook himself. Alec was not Camille, and Magnus was in a safe environment. He was in control. (Tessa had sat him down the first night he was out of the hospital and told him all he ever had to do was text her ‘don’t forget to buy bananas on the way home’ and she’d immediately call him and give him a way to escape. Magnus had added that to the infinite list of reasons he loved Tessa.)

“Thanks.” Magnus forced a laugh, hand inside his pocket clenching. Maybe this was a bad idea; he knew Alec, but Isabelle was an unknown variable. Anything could happen. 

Breath in, breath out. Magnus looked around the street, and pulled his jumper tighter. Alec glanced over to him with a raised eyebrow, but Magnus just smiled and shook his head. He would be fine. He had to be fine. This was a test to see whether Magnus could get better, and he was determined to pass. After all, it was to go get the Chairman.

“You should come round for dinner sometime, Magnus,” Isabelle smiled, linking her arm with his. “My brother obviously likes you, and I think you and I could become great friends. Jace can be an idiot but… people can grow to like him.” Her tone was light and teasing, and Magnus couldn’t help but chuckle. “Plus Simon could come! He’s my husband.”

“The nerd,” Magnus nodded, and then froze. Was that offensive?

Isabelle’s laughter was a clear sign that that was not the case. “Oh my god, Alec! I can’t believe you told Magnus that!” Having to pause again to catch her breath, Isabelle let go of Magnus and clapped her hands together. Magnus grinned. “Yes, the nerd. He’s also in a band- which means he’s cool.” She linked her arm with Magnus’ again.

“You don’t have to say yes, Magnus, but I’d love to have you round.” Alec seemed cautious, but the glint in his eyes was excited. The idea of dinner with the entirety of Alec’s family (minus- thankfully- the parents,) terrified the crap out of Magnus… but it seemed so mundane, a family dinner. So average and lovely. 

“I’d love that,” he said. 

“Brilliant,” she grinned, squeezing his arm enthusiastically. “We’re all mad but… you’ll get used to us.” Next to them, Alec was smiling and rolling his eyes. “How about in two days time? That gives me tomorrow to drag Alec out to get decent clothes. I can’t believe he went on that coffee date wearing a sweater I bought him six years ago!”

“It’s comfy!” Alec announced, causing Magnus to notice he didn’t correct Isabelle’s assumption it was a date. A small tingly feeling arose in his stomach, which he quickly squashed down. “And Magnus thought it looked alright.”

“I think you should wear whatever you want to wear, Alexander.” Magnus said seriously. Then he added, “especially if what you want to wear is nothing.” He winked as Isabelle choked on her laughter. Standing frozen, a bright red blush was creeping up his face.

“You’re a menace, Magnus Bane,” Isabelle Lightwood chucked, and then looked to the left of them. “But no more inappropriate jokes, we’re here to pick up your baby.”

Humming in response, Magnus pushed open the door and walked in. The familiar smell of pet shops drifted into his nose, and he sighed. At last, he was here. 

“Magnus Bane!” A woman’s voice called from over at the desk, and Magnus looked over to see Melissa smiling at him. “Here to visit Chairman Meow?” Magnus wandered over to the desk, and placed his hands on the counter. He shook his head.

“Here to pick him up, actually,” he grinned, causing Melissa to gasp in surprise. It made sense; it had been three years- and Magnus had specifically told Melissa it would be forever. “Yeah, I… I’m now in a situation where I can have the Chairman living with me.” Ignoring the stab of pain in his stomach, he made himself smile. At least Melissa didn’t know anything about Camille.

“I’ll miss him,” Melissa sighed, getting out the keys. “But I can’t honestly say anyone else will.” Magnus laughed lightly and followed her as she walked down the corridor. He was aware of Alec following him, and wondered where Isabelle had gone. “He bullies everyone, the cats, the dogs, the other staff. But I love him.”

“Maybe I’ll bring him in to visit,” Magnus grinned as they came close to the final door. Melissa turned round to beam at him before finally unlocking it. “He’d like that.”

“I’d like that too,” she said, holding the door open for both Magnus and Alec to walk through. Magnus looked around, and laughed as he spotted Chairman. He was in one corner, sleeping on a bed near the food. All the other cats were huddled in the other corner. “Ah, these cats might actually get their fair share of food.”

“Perhaps,” Magnus said absentmindedly. Her words had lost importance now he was staring at the Chairman. As if he knew Magnus was here, he’d slowly opened one eye. Now that he’d spotted him, the Chairman was walking over to the cage door. “Hey baby,” he cooed.

Melissa laughed kindly, and opened the cage door carefully. The Chairman sprinted out, and she shut the door before any of the other cats had even realised what had happened. Picking him up, Magnus held Chairman Meow close and smiled.

He was going to be okay. He had his cat, he had his job, and he had friends. Obviously things weren’t perfect, but he had everything he needed to end up loving life. After all, the one person who’d always been there was sitting in his arms, meowing like his life depended on it. 

“Hey Chairman,” he said, smiling. “How are you? I’m going to take you home with me.” As he was talking, Alec had moved closer to him. Then Alec slowly raised his hand and started stroking Chairman.

“Hello Chairman Meow,” Alec said, only sounding a little awkward. “Nice to meet you.” Magnus laughed quietly as he watched Alec stroke Chairman- who was purring loudly. And then he realised: he was truly happy. In that moment, Magnus was genuinely happy. So, carefully as not to upset the cat in his arms, he reached up and kissed Alexander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys <3
> 
> Chapter 19. CHAPTER 19!!!!?!?!
> 
> The next (the last) chapter will be a little glimpse of their lives in a months time.
> 
> Did you like this chapter? I didn't want Malec to be too 'together' yet; Magnus is still recovering. But I did want them to start to investigate those romantic feelings. Especially now they've spent time together that is completely unrelated to Camille and all that. 
> 
> (Maybe if you're lucky I'll post some extra fics of what's happened in between.)
> 
> Comment below to let me know what you thought of this chapter!!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One month later

One Month Later

 

“I can’t believe you actually did it,” Tessa laughed lightly, raising her glass of wine and tilting it towards him. “Not that I ever doubted you, of course, but I had resigned myself to living with you forever.” Her eyes sparkled as Magnus also raised his glass and took a sip.

 

“Because that would be such a bad thing,” Magnus teased. “You loved living with me, admit it.” The room around them was warm and comfortable, something he’d slowly been getting used to. For a long time he’d felt nervous in this room, like everything was too perfect, like something bad was going to come along and ruin it. But slowly, with the help of Tessa, Raphael, Ragnor, Alec, and even Isabelle, Magnus was coming to understand that he was allowed to feel happy, and no one was going to take that away from him.

 

“Yes, I loved it,” Tessa admitted, rolling her eyes in a way that reminded Magnus so much of Alec he had to laugh. “And I'll miss Chairman Meow.” At the mention of his name, the cat opened one eye and meowed. Magnus stroked him gently, hoping he wouldn't move from his position on Magnus’ lap. “But the fact that you have your own place… it's amazing, Magnus.”

 

“Thanks Tessa.” She smiled in response, causing a small rush of warmth spread through Magnus. He'd done it. He'd gone back to work, wearing blue eye-shadow and a gorgeous lipstick Alexander had given him as a good luck present. A few weeks later and the place had felt like home again, and business was better than ever. He'd gone into town and looked all the flats. After weeks and weeks of deliberating and arguments… 

 

Silence filled the room, which Magnus didn't mind. He concentrated on sipping wine and stroking his cat. It was 11 am, which meant they probably shouldn’t be drinking alcohol- but Magnus was going out soon and Tessa had a date in the evening. They had to celebrate now, so here they were; in the living room, sipping wine and the midmorning sun lit up the room.

 

“Are you free this Thursday?” Tessa asked, interrupted the silence. He only jumped a little, and managed to quickly remind himself that he was in a safe space. “Raphael and Ragnor both are- and it was thinking we should all meet up and do something.”

 

“Clubbing?” Magnus replied hopefully. When Tessa laughed and shook her head, he sighed dramatically. “Fine, fine. No clubbing. But I am free, and doing something sounds great.” 

 

“Good. The Hunter’s Moon?” Tessa raised an eyebrow, but Magnus shook his head. The Hunter’s Moon used to hold great memories, but now it was a place Camille would always be. Technically she was allowed to be in the same place as Magnus as long as she was the first person there- and she’d been there every single night Magnus had tried. First with Tessa, then Alec, then Raphael. Even thinking of having to walk in there and see her disgusted face made Magnus’ confidence crumble down. “Fair enough. Pandemonium?”

 

“That’s a club,” Magnus pointed out, and Tessa shrugged.

 

“Just because it’s a club, Magnus, doesn’t mean we’re clubbing. We can grab drinks and sit at a table. And if- if people want to, they can do some dancing. But the main focus would be the good music and talking.” Tessa was grinning, putting down her empty  wine glass and pulling out her phone. “Should I tell people it’s a date?”

 

“Yeah,” Magnus agreed, also finishing his wine. Tessa focused on her phone for a moment, fingers flying across the screen, and then looked up. She smiled softly and shifted to be more comfortable in her chair. “All set?”

 

“All set. Ragnor would like me to remind you that he will castrate you if you get really drunk again.” Tessa snorted, causing Magnus to laugh too. It was a standard text from Ragnor, but Magnus was still getting used to it again after the three year break he’d had from it all. It felt really nice to have traditions again. Traditions that didn’t leave Magnus feeling like crap. “And we all know that would be a disaster now you and Alec…” Her words trailed off, leaving Magnus blushing.

 

“What do you mean, me and Alec?” Magnus asked, furiously trying to hide his blush. He knew exactly what Tessa meant, but hoped that she’d take pity on him and pretend as if her questions was actually completely innocent. 

 

“It’s been a month, Magnus!” Tessa grinned, wiggling her eyebrows up and down. “Anything happened yet?” A pang of guilt flashed through him at his words; nothing had really happened. Yeah, a few kisses had been exchanged, and they’d gone on multiple dates. (Including the failed one to the Hunter’s Moon.) A couple of weeks ago Alec had even asked to make it official- to call Magnus his boyfriend. They were seriously going out, and Magnus definitely thought this relationship would last; Alexander was the man he would fall in love with. But it had been a month. Only a month, and Magnus still had wounds.

 

“No,” he said shortly. It was silly; Magnus shouldn’t feel embarrassed or silly. Alec knew, knew that Magnus would want to take their relationship to the next level eventually but couldn’t quite yet. In fact, Alec too was more than happy to take things slow. This was his first serious relationship. 

 

“Fair enough,” Tessa shrugged. Magnus sighed in relief. Of course Tessa didn’t care, he thought. She just wanted Magnus to be happy, and would actively try and help him reach that place. She would probably castrate Alec if he hurt him. “But I’ve got to tell you, something may have happened with Will on our last date.”

 

“Oh my god!” Magnus all but squealed and clapped his hands together. “Honey, I am so proud of you!” Tessa laughed, but a grin covered her face. “Where? When? Give me details, Tessa, details!” Tessa rolled her eyes at him, and then managed to control her grin. She started to tell Magnus about the details, and as she did, Magnus realised that this was the life he’d been aiming for. He wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty good.

 

\--

 

“Hey!” Alec smiled as he walked up to where Magnus stood outside the cafe. Before Magnus could respond, he’d reached Magnus and kissed him softly. It was their standard greeting, so Magnus put his hand on Alec’s neck and pulled him in closer. Kissing Alexander always tasted a little like heaven.

 

“Hello Alexander,” Magnus said softly as they pulled away, probably with matching grins on their faces. At this point Jace would probably be throwing a shoe at their heads and asking them to get a room. Thanking the universe that they were alone, Magnus concentrated on Alec’s goofy smile and sparkling eyes. “Fancy seeing you here.” Alec’s laugh was still as musical as ever as he kissed Magnus’ forehead. 

 

“Hmm, yeah,” Alec teased, taking Magnus’ hand. (It had been a week before Magnus had been confident to do that in public.) “In fact, this has happened quite a few times. I come down here for my lunch, and you’re waiting for me.” He fake gasped. “Magnus Bane, are you stalking me?”

 

“Guilty as charged,” Magnus pretended to admit, leading them over to a free table. “I can’t help it; it’s an act of passion.” Alec’s sniggers were drawing attention, and Magnus really tried not to care, but what if one of them knew Camille? What if she found out about Magnus going here as well and then she ruined this cafe too? 

 

Squeezing Alec’s hand tightly, Magnus reminded himself to breath. “An act of passion?” Alec asked, distracted, smile looking only slightly concerned as he looked down at their hands. Breath in, breath out. Relax. He loosened his hold on Alec’s hand a little.

 

“Yeah,” Magnus sighed, once he’d got his emotions under control. While speaking, he sat on the chair Alec was holding out for him. Chivalry, he’d discovered, was certainly not dead for Alexander Gideon Lightwood. “I don’t usually stalk people, you see… But I have a weakness for gorgeous dark haired boys.” Alec’s blush was stunning.

 

“I’m sure I can forgive you then,” Alec teased, also having sat down. “There aren’t many things wrong with a beautiful man stalking me. Especially if he wears tight trousers and red lipstick.” His wink made Magnus laugh, and blush. Earlier today, when getting ready, he’d specifically chosen this colour lipstick; he’d worn it on their first date. Not the coffee stop at starbucks, but the meal. The one where Alec had worn a suit and picked him up from Tessa’s house with a blush brighter than his lipstick. As for the trousers… Magnus just liked them- and how good his butt looked in them.

 

“Why thank you, Alexander,” he breathed. Magnus let the atmosphere around them settle. The cafe was somewhat busy, but they’d managed to get a table near a window and sunlight was streaming in. Chatter from other people’s conversation filled up the cafe with a buzzing, alive feeling, that was just right, and the warmth was comfortable. With Alec sitting opposite him, shrugging off his black jumper to reveal a blue t shirt, Magnus felt as if time could freeze, and he’d be happy.

 

“Nice top,” he said after a while, causing Alec to laugh. “It’s very.... Not black. I’m surprised, Alexander. I thought I could rely on you to be consistent and predictable.”

 

“Blame Izzy,” Alec laughed, tugging at the bottom of his t shirt seemingly obliviously. “She told me to keep Magnus Bane- a freaking clothes designer- in my life, I had to add colour.” Magnus’ laugh joined his, and Alec paused a minute in his story to let Magnus laugh. “Next day, these arrived for me. I promised her I’d try it.”

 

“Tell her I’ll keep you even if all you wear are holey jumpers,” Magnus mocked. “Especially if that’s all you wear.” Alec’s eyes rolling happened the same time a blush appeared on his cheeks. 

 

“Magnus,” he hissed, not at all seriously. “People could hear!” People definitely couldn’t; Magnus hadn’t  said it loudly, but yet he smiled apologetically anyway. He couldn’t say no to those puppy eyes. “What are you getting?”

 

“Flat white, and the chicken and halloumi wrap,” Magnus replied straight away, not even bothering to look down at the menu. He’d already decided what he was having; Raphael had come to this cafe a couple of weeks ago and all he’d talked about the next day Magnus had seen him was the wrap. From Alec’s amused smile, he also remembered this story. 

 

“Okay, I’ll go order.” As Magnus went to get out his wallet, Alec held up a hand. “My turn, remember? You paid yesterday.” They had lunch together nearly everyday, so they’d decided to take turns paying. It meant it was equal, and they didn’t argue every time they met up.

 

“Sorry,” Magnus  grinned, relaxing again. Alec smiled, kissed the back of his hand, and walked towards the counter. Butterflies played in his stomach as he looked at the hand. He didn’t think he’d ever get over how affectionate Alec was. Of course, there was the possibility Alec started being less affectionate. (That possibility terrified the shit out of Magnus. Even the tiny possibility he’d end up like Camille kept him awake at night.)

 

But he couldn’t dwell on the possibilities- especially ones that were incredibly unlikely. Instead, Magnus reminded himself, he should focus on the present, the certainties. Like the man walking back to him with a coffee in each hand and a dazzling smile.

 

“Flat white for you,” Alec said as he placed the cup in front of him. “And a black coffee for me, because I’m sweet enough without cream.” 

 

“Alexander, we get into this every time,” Magnus laughed, though he didn’t really mind. “Especially since today we have a new topic of conversation…” Letting his words hang, he watched Alec’s face transform from confusion to excitement.

 

“Yes! Congratulations. I mean… I have said it already, but I feel now it’s actually happening. It seemed all dream like when you were actually signing all those contracts and stuff…” Alec broke of and grinned, taking hold of Magnus’ right hand with both of his. Giggling at his expression, Magnus nodded. He knew what Alec meant: it hadn’t felt truly real until he’d got home. “When do you move in?”

“In two weeks,” Magnus grinned. “In fact, I was going to talk to you about that. Do you think you could help me with all my stuff, and with painting walls? I’ve decided against the boring white it’s coming in. I want red. And some gold edges.”

 

“Ooh,” Alec raised an eyebrow, still holding Magnus’ hand. Magnus hoped he’d never let go. “That sounds fancy. Of course I can help. I could also… ask Izzy, Simon, and Jace if they want to help? I’m sure they’d love it. Your choice.” Thankfully Alec knew Magnus still found hanging out with that group stressful, and thankfully he wasn’t offended. It wasn’t large crowds- because Magnus coped giving meetings at work- but it was a intimate setting with near strangers. People who could hurt him.

 

“I’ll think about it,” Magnus smiled. “I won’t have much; I’m going to have to buy a whole bunch of furniture.” He’d given his away when he’d moved in with Camille, which was extremely annoying. And yet, it meant his new house would also be filled with new furniture. While it was inconvenient, there were certainly silver linings.

 

“Okay, good. Izzy’s been pestering me about you coming round again, so hopefully this will get her off my back for a little while.” Alec grinned, sipping at his coffee. It might have just been his flat white, but the idea that someone wanted to meet up with him warmed him up.

 

“Doubt it,” he teased, putting down his cup as a waiter came over with two plates. Alec rolled his eyes as the waiter put the plates in front of them and silently left.

 

“So do I, but one must try.”

 

“Yes, yes. One must, Alexander, one most certainly should,” Magnus mocked, adopting a british accent. “For that is correct behaviour for a noble citizen.”

 

“Oh fuck off,” Alec laughed.

 

\--

 

“I can’t believe you chose Bridget Jones,” Magnus giggled, collecting the blankets from their neat pile at the side of the living room. “I didn’t see you as a Bridget Jones kinda man.” Alec, from his position on the sofa, sent him a look that caused him to snort in amusement. “I am a Bridget kinda man when the other choices are Mean Girls and Clueless.”

 

“Both are classics, Alexander,” Magnus grinned, walking back over to him. Instead of sitting down, he stood in front of Alec and dumped all the blankets on his head. “And it’s your fault for making me watch that dreadful horror movie. What was it called?” Alec’s muffled answer wasn’t understandable, and Magnus laughed.

 

He sat down next to Alec, sniggering as the man managed to untangle himself from the blankets. “It was called Saw,” he repeated, giving one of the blankets back to Magnus. The dvd had already been put in the dvd player, so they could get comfortable- safe in the knowledge that they wouldn’t have to get off the sofa for two hours.

 

Magnus settled into the sofa so that Alec could drape his legs over Magnus’ lap- which he did with enthusiasm. In fact, Alec was basically on top of Magnus, (which Magnus didn’t mind, at all.) Then, after a little bit of shifting from them both, Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and snuggled into him, his head resting on his shoulder.  As always, Magnus’ heart soared, and he pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s forehead. “Comfortable?” He whispered.

 

Alec nodded, humming quietly as Magnus grabbed the remote and pressed play. “You?” Alec mumbled as the movie’s prefilm credits started playing.

  
“Never better, Alexander.” That seemed to be a good enough response, because Alec turned back to the film, absentmindedly drawing patterns on Magnus’ shoulder. And it was true: not just about the here and now, either. Magnus wasn’t healed, he hadn’t returned to his previous state of living. But he was getting there- and so was Alexander. Magnus had been pushing Alec to start caring for himself as well as caring for others… and it was slowly working. They’d be okay. They’d be great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'know... This is strange.
> 
> This was it, guys, the final chapter. There is... No more.
> 
> What did you think? What are you feeling?? Comment below and tell me everything
> 
> Thank you for all your support with this story. It's the first long fic I've ever written, so I was a little nervous to post it. Xx
> 
> And do you want me to write more? If you do, comment below. I'm open to requests- so ask if you'd like to see a particular scene from either Alec's POV or Magnus' POV. (For example, if you want the read their first kiss from Alec's POV, or if you want their first date from Magnus' POV).
> 
> But at least for now... That's... It.
> 
> Follow my [instagram](instagram.com/therapyfornerds/?hl=en) and [tumblr](tumblr.com/blog/therapyfornerds) I'll post on their details of my fics when I post them- so you can read them straight away. <3
> 
> A last thank you to my friend as well, who beta read this entire thing.
> 
> Xxx


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